I guess it's better if I just flirt with girls. At least there's no commitment and no feelings of hurt since there was no attachment to begin with. Yesterday was pretty eventful...
1. signs na this person likes me
2. singing a duet with someone and people teasing me about it
3. bonding with someone who i told people as being my MCR
4. the bestfriend of the person in number one telling me na she thinks number one is the girl for me and that i'm the guy for number one
So yeah. Do I change my standards for this? Or do I just flirt since it's fun? Ewan. I don't like thinking about these things.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
I hate feelings. They suck.
Is it true that there is that one person who we will always love no matter what we do? We love that person just because. It is unconditional and simple.
Today, I find myself having a hard time to write the words I want to express. When I am about to write a description of that feeling inside me, it transforms into something else. It transforms into something new. It's like this quark. It's either you can see it with your eye and follow it but not find its current location OR you can find its location but you won't be able to follow it. Basta, it's hard to explain. It's a feeling. And as we all know, feelings are hard to explain because they cannot be fully defined. All we can do is feel them.
So what's my problem? Well, who do I like more... I DON"T KNOW... that is my problem. I have a deal with Sab nga pala... we are losers. Hahaha. Woohoo!
Today, I find myself having a hard time to write the words I want to express. When I am about to write a description of that feeling inside me, it transforms into something else. It transforms into something new. It's like this quark. It's either you can see it with your eye and follow it but not find its current location OR you can find its location but you won't be able to follow it. Basta, it's hard to explain. It's a feeling. And as we all know, feelings are hard to explain because they cannot be fully defined. All we can do is feel them.
So what's my problem? Well, who do I like more... I DON"T KNOW... that is my problem. I have a deal with Sab nga pala... we are losers. Hahaha. Woohoo!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Some realizations... all in a day.
Most of the time, I feel as if I have stopped developing as a person. Or maybe, it's just that the experiences that I experience (wow... malamang you experience experiences) are taken for granted. They just happen and I don't even dwell on them. This, in turn, stunts my growth as a person. It's like being a superhero but you don't know you have superpowers. Yeah, bad analogy but you get what I mean. How can you utilize something which you do not know you have. Haay... I realized this because I have to play this character who has experienced so many things in life. The problem about this is that I find myself having a hard time portraying this person (black dude from the ghetto... the closest I can be to this is if I go to tondo... and hoping I don't die after five minutes of being there). Now I feel sheltered.
Weirdly enough, that realization evolved into another realization. What you were as a kid will be who you are as an adult. I was such a goody-goody back in grade school and high school. (Don't freaking tell me that I just disproved my point). You have to understand that even if I try to be not so goody-goody, there is still a part of me that will stick to the base principles that I had as a kid. I remember something. I once realized that if something feels unnatural or weird, it means it's not you.
Last realization, people grow up and sometimes they do things that we don't expect them to do. I'm just shocked. Haha. No more details about it.
Weirdly enough, that realization evolved into another realization. What you were as a kid will be who you are as an adult. I was such a goody-goody back in grade school and high school. (Don't freaking tell me that I just disproved my point). You have to understand that even if I try to be not so goody-goody, there is still a part of me that will stick to the base principles that I had as a kid. I remember something. I once realized that if something feels unnatural or weird, it means it's not you.
Last realization, people grow up and sometimes they do things that we don't expect them to do. I'm just shocked. Haha. No more details about it.
Monday, May 14, 2007
of goals and disappointments
So you've heard... or maybe not. I got into this play I auditioned for (no no no... not that friggin' TA play... i'm talking about the bluerep one). It's really fun since I got a role that I wanted and hey, i'm going to be in my element. So there... I'm happy. But even if I know I deserve this since (as trisha says) they haven't really seen my potential, I still feel like I just got it out of a technicality. I know we have the same style but he obviously has better skills.
Basta, I would have been okay with it if the artistic team didn't consider looking for people outside bluerep (since they think no one can do mitch). Or if ever they did, they shouldn't have let me do mitch's part na. So why did they even let me learn the song? Tae sila. If they think he deserves it more, then fine get him. I just don't want them suddenly feeling like they should have gotten him when we're already in the middle of the production. Damnit... I suddenly don't feel like I'm the ultimate choice anymore. Kasi naman e... how subtle can you get. If you tell the core about it, malamang I would know. Tae. I'm just really frustrated.
My past entry was about doing things with a smile pa naman. I have to do this with a smile. Hell, my castmates are great maybe except for one but you know what I mean. Step it up! Yeaboi!
Basta, I would have been okay with it if the artistic team didn't consider looking for people outside bluerep (since they think no one can do mitch). Or if ever they did, they shouldn't have let me do mitch's part na. So why did they even let me learn the song? Tae sila. If they think he deserves it more, then fine get him. I just don't want them suddenly feeling like they should have gotten him when we're already in the middle of the production. Damnit... I suddenly don't feel like I'm the ultimate choice anymore. Kasi naman e... how subtle can you get. If you tell the core about it, malamang I would know. Tae. I'm just really frustrated.
My past entry was about doing things with a smile pa naman. I have to do this with a smile. Hell, my castmates are great maybe except for one but you know what I mean. Step it up! Yeaboi!
Monday, May 07, 2007
a few realizations
So... in an attempt to try to do a lot of things, I think I am about to get myself into another dilemma. This has already happened in HSM and POC before. Damnit. I just wish that the schedule fits in.
Anyway, Kim Clijsters (a Belgian tennis player) just retired and I think I was affected by her farewell message. She said two things that I think are things that I should incorporate in my personal philosophy. First, she said, "I'm very happy to have met the people I did. That's always been the most important to me; forget the trophies and material things, friends are truly the most important." When I read it, I just realized that sometimes, I concentrate too much on the things that I want to achieve and have. I don't even realize how many people I have met and have become integral in my life. Sometimes, when you grow up, you would want to look back and see that you have achieved so many things. But I realized that looking back with other people is more important. Friends are important and the fact that you will grow up still being each other's friends is amazing.
Then, Kim Clijsters said that "whatever you do, do it with a smile on your face." Then I thought about it. I would want to do that. I don't think I need to explain it. I just want to do it.
Anyway, Kim Clijsters (a Belgian tennis player) just retired and I think I was affected by her farewell message. She said two things that I think are things that I should incorporate in my personal philosophy. First, she said, "I'm very happy to have met the people I did. That's always been the most important to me; forget the trophies and material things, friends are truly the most important." When I read it, I just realized that sometimes, I concentrate too much on the things that I want to achieve and have. I don't even realize how many people I have met and have become integral in my life. Sometimes, when you grow up, you would want to look back and see that you have achieved so many things. But I realized that looking back with other people is more important. Friends are important and the fact that you will grow up still being each other's friends is amazing.
Then, Kim Clijsters said that "whatever you do, do it with a smile on your face." Then I thought about it. I would want to do that. I don't think I need to explain it. I just want to do it.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I wanna go...
Seriously, everyday that I live, I just want to get out of this house. I just want to emancipate myself from my parents for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, I think I'm only in this house because I need money. Other than that, there's nothing else. I hate staying in this house. But then again... no one's at home most of the time so oh well.
I just need an opportunity to be able to buy my own condo unit and I'm set.
By the way, I realize I do not work well in groups if it concerns academics. They hinder me from actually doing anything. The only group I work well with are the people in theater. Other than that, nakakaasar... ano ako leader? kaya nga groupwork e... dapat equal.
Mapapayosi ako nito e.
Anyway, nagaudition ako sa TA play kanina... I'm not expecting to get in... but if I do... why not. Then, I want to audition for the bluerep play rin.
Naaasar talaga ako ngayong araw. Tapos ang tagal pa dumating ng phone ko. Leche.
I just need an opportunity to be able to buy my own condo unit and I'm set.
By the way, I realize I do not work well in groups if it concerns academics. They hinder me from actually doing anything. The only group I work well with are the people in theater. Other than that, nakakaasar... ano ako leader? kaya nga groupwork e... dapat equal.
Mapapayosi ako nito e.
Anyway, nagaudition ako sa TA play kanina... I'm not expecting to get in... but if I do... why not. Then, I want to audition for the bluerep play rin.
Naaasar talaga ako ngayong araw. Tapos ang tagal pa dumating ng phone ko. Leche.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
it's time
I realized I'm of having to be always happy or at least pretending to be. All I wanted was for people around me to be happy. But when they start being asses and backstab you, what's the use right? I do not like being the kid anymore. No one takes the kid seriously... for everyone, he's the person who is fun. But who is the kid if that fun was lost? The kid is no one. The kid's identity lies in his fun factor. I'm tired of acting in real life. Time to grow up.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
wanting to be more
In the book I was reading, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, there was a scene where this young boy was shouting at her mother. He was shouting because his mother was saying that his dead dad's spirit/memory was in the coffin. But, the boy refused to believe this and told his mother that his dad has already disintegrated and has turned into dead cells... cells that can be inhaled and exhaled by people without even knowing it.
Then, I thought about it. What if he was telling the truth? What if we just become dead cells and there was no spirit at all? After thinking about it, I realized that I wanted the fact that there was a spirit and that there was something more than my body. I refuse to believe that I am just a combination of different types of cells that combined to form my body. I do not like the fact that my whole person is finite. I want to believe that there is an afterlife and that I am more than my body. I want to believe that after I die, I would still be able to exist even if it is only partial. Nothingness is not an option... because if it is... what's the point of living this life.
It's not about the fact that I may or may not believe in God. Rather, it's all about the fact that I WANT to believe that there's a God. I want to believe that I am more.
Then, I thought about it. What if he was telling the truth? What if we just become dead cells and there was no spirit at all? After thinking about it, I realized that I wanted the fact that there was a spirit and that there was something more than my body. I refuse to believe that I am just a combination of different types of cells that combined to form my body. I do not like the fact that my whole person is finite. I want to believe that there is an afterlife and that I am more than my body. I want to believe that after I die, I would still be able to exist even if it is only partial. Nothingness is not an option... because if it is... what's the point of living this life.
It's not about the fact that I may or may not believe in God. Rather, it's all about the fact that I WANT to believe that there's a God. I want to believe that I am more.
Friday, April 06, 2007
compromise
Most of the time, you do not get what you always want. You can force yourself to get it but end up falling short. So what do most people do to satisy their hunger? They find a compromise. That is the answer to most problems in this world. The only problem is that people do not see it as a solution because it seems weak for someone to just give up on something he/she truly wants. I had to write this because I now know that I will never get everything I want. Yeah, it took me this long to realize that. I just had to stop believing in such cliches as: "follow your dreams," "nothing is impossible," or whatever cliche you have deep down in your pocket.
People give inspirational stories of how they became successful. From rags to riches is what some people would call their life story. But when you think about it, how many people actually achieve that?? How many Lucio Tan's or Henry Sy's or Gokongwei's can you have? Not that many. So we have to compromise. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that there is no hope in this world. I still believe in luck just as much as that construction worker lining up with hopes of winning the lottery. But let's be realistic, luck is an occurence that does not happen daily. We still have to work hard just to earn a living. The point here is, everything in this world is a compromise. My parents want me to be a doctor? I want to do theatre? Well, I'll just be an anesthesiologist so that I will have a lot of free time.
Just like anything, friendships are compromises. We can't be friends with everyone or at least be equally close to everyone. Some people will disappear from our lives sooner or later and some will stay. That's the compromise we have to take. We can't have everything. That's life.
People give inspirational stories of how they became successful. From rags to riches is what some people would call their life story. But when you think about it, how many people actually achieve that?? How many Lucio Tan's or Henry Sy's or Gokongwei's can you have? Not that many. So we have to compromise. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that there is no hope in this world. I still believe in luck just as much as that construction worker lining up with hopes of winning the lottery. But let's be realistic, luck is an occurence that does not happen daily. We still have to work hard just to earn a living. The point here is, everything in this world is a compromise. My parents want me to be a doctor? I want to do theatre? Well, I'll just be an anesthesiologist so that I will have a lot of free time.
Just like anything, friendships are compromises. We can't be friends with everyone or at least be equally close to everyone. Some people will disappear from our lives sooner or later and some will stay. That's the compromise we have to take. We can't have everything. That's life.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
this is just hilarious
This is an example of how the friendship of the bobets really works. Shet, you gotta love these people. And we obviously love each other... I think we have surpassed being carino brutal. Hahaha.
Bym: whuts the soulful song of justin timberlake?
Jay: eat yourself... or eat the bobets?
Jay: alive
Jay: so cannibalism
Jay: another song
Jay: ung title
Bym: eat the bobets.. at least i know u guys will be in me
Bym: :))
Bym: i see i see
Bym: :))
Jay: i don't wanna eat my friend
Jay: kadiri ka
Jay: o cge...
Bym: hahaha
Oli: mga choices niyo eh
Jay: remove ur left eye or remove ur right eye
Jay: :))
Jay: for both of you
Jay: what will u choose
Jay: :))
Bym: uhhmm
Bym: left eye
Bym: cuz mas mataas yung grade
Bym: :))
Jay: wahahha
Jay: labo
Jay: hahaha
Jay: pangit na choices un
Jay: hmmm...
Bym: lose an arm or a leg
Bym: :))
Jay: leg
Jay: coz may wheelchair
Jay: at least pwede pa ako mag-ym
Jay: kung may arms ako
Jay: :))
Bym: kill oli or kill aye
Bym: :))
Jay: oli... lose you fingernails by pulling them off done by somone who tortures or chop ur hands pero done by a doctor
Jay: go oli
Oli: may wheel chair naman
Oli: uhm...
Oli: lose a leg
Jay: iba na choice mo
Jay: hahha
Oli: omg
Oli: omg
Oli: omg
Oli: NO
Oli: ouch
Oli: nafeel ko yun lahat
Jay: hahaha
Oli: i have a very vivid imagination
Jay: no ung isa may anesthesia
Jay: kasi doctor ung gumawa
Jay: pero wala ka nang arms
Jay: ako kill aye
Jay: :))
Jay: ikaw bym... kill oli or kill aye?
Oli: uhm...chop hands
Bym: hahahaha
Bym: oli
Oli: then commit suicide
Jay: hahha
Bym: :))
Bym: ooolliii
Bym: :))
Jay: oli, papatayin ka ni bym
Oli: shucks
Oli: sige ok lang
Oli: i love aye
Bym: kaw oli..
Jay: ikaw oli... kill mian sab bym me or aye? u have to choose 3
Bym: kill you or kill aye?
Bym: i bet sab and aye will survive
Jay: ikaw rin bym, kill mian sab oli me or aye? choose 3
Bym: :))
Jay: :))
Oli: NO
Oli: kill myself
Jay: and u hafta choose 2 others
Jay: dapat 3 people will die
Oli: me, you, bym
Oli: para you guys can use your one-way ticket na
Oli: and i can start my cleansing in purgatory
Jay: okay, the theory is correct... bym and i will always be the first ones to die
Jay: are we that useless?
Oli: no
Bym: hahaha
Oli: masarap lang kayo patayin
Bym: yeah
Bym: just cuz wer men
Bym: tsk
Jay: ako i'll kill mian aye and sab
Jay: coz they will go to heaven
Oli: and plus...sayang one way ticket to hell eh
Jay: well... aye sa purgatory coz bitch siya kay...
Jay: :))
Bym: :))
Bym: whuts the soulful song of justin timberlake?
Jay: eat yourself... or eat the bobets?
Jay: alive
Jay: so cannibalism
Jay: another song
Jay: ung title
Bym: eat the bobets.. at least i know u guys will be in me
Bym: :))
Bym: i see i see
Bym: :))
Jay: i don't wanna eat my friend
Jay: kadiri ka
Jay: o cge...
Bym: hahaha
Oli: mga choices niyo eh
Jay: remove ur left eye or remove ur right eye
Jay: :))
Jay: for both of you
Jay: what will u choose
Jay: :))
Bym: uhhmm
Bym: left eye
Bym: cuz mas mataas yung grade
Bym: :))
Jay: wahahha
Jay: labo
Jay: hahaha
Jay: pangit na choices un
Jay: hmmm...
Bym: lose an arm or a leg
Bym: :))
Jay: leg
Jay: coz may wheelchair
Jay: at least pwede pa ako mag-ym
Jay: kung may arms ako
Jay: :))
Bym: kill oli or kill aye
Bym: :))
Jay: oli... lose you fingernails by pulling them off done by somone who tortures or chop ur hands pero done by a doctor
Jay: go oli
Oli: may wheel chair naman
Oli: uhm...
Oli: lose a leg
Jay: iba na choice mo
Jay: hahha
Oli: omg
Oli: omg
Oli: omg
Oli: NO
Oli: ouch
Oli: nafeel ko yun lahat
Jay: hahaha
Oli: i have a very vivid imagination
Jay: no ung isa may anesthesia
Jay: kasi doctor ung gumawa
Jay: pero wala ka nang arms
Jay: ako kill aye
Jay: :))
Jay: ikaw bym... kill oli or kill aye?
Oli: uhm...chop hands
Bym: hahahaha
Bym: oli
Oli: then commit suicide
Jay: hahha
Bym: :))
Bym: ooolliii
Bym: :))
Jay: oli, papatayin ka ni bym
Oli: shucks
Oli: sige ok lang
Oli: i love aye
Bym: kaw oli..
Jay: ikaw oli... kill mian sab bym me or aye? u have to choose 3
Bym: kill you or kill aye?
Bym: i bet sab and aye will survive
Jay: ikaw rin bym, kill mian sab oli me or aye? choose 3
Bym: :))
Jay: :))
Oli: NO
Oli: kill myself
Jay: and u hafta choose 2 others
Jay: dapat 3 people will die
Oli: me, you, bym
Oli: para you guys can use your one-way ticket na
Oli: and i can start my cleansing in purgatory
Jay: okay, the theory is correct... bym and i will always be the first ones to die
Jay: are we that useless?
Oli: no
Bym: hahaha
Oli: masarap lang kayo patayin
Bym: yeah
Bym: just cuz wer men
Bym: tsk
Jay: ako i'll kill mian aye and sab
Jay: coz they will go to heaven
Oli: and plus...sayang one way ticket to hell eh
Jay: well... aye sa purgatory coz bitch siya kay...
Jay: :))
Bym: :))
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Cool Cool
I was playing with it and I found it to be real cool. Yehey! That's the kleek with bym sab oli and me.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
one more test and then... I'm done
Okay... my philo orals has ended and I am happy. Anyway, the question was, 'Ano and koneksyon ng pamimilosopiya sa pagpapakatao?' So, being the lazy person that I have been this whole sem, I just said, 'Ang pamimilosopiya ay pagpapakatao,' which means that they are just the same. Wow, talagang PINAG-ISIPAN.
Great huh? My orals was 1145am and I studied at 10am just so I can make something up about it. Well, I was able to make something up and that's good. Anyway, I think the orals was good unlike last sem where I had to act like some stupid fool in front of my teacher just to have a 'gimik.' nyehehe.
Here's how the barahan conversation went.
Sir: Unang tanong ko sayo jay, sinasabi mo ba na lahat ng bagay ay pamimilosopiya?
Me: Yes sir, kasi lahat ng ginagawa natin ay pamimilosopiya
Sir: So kinamot ko ang likod ko namimilosopiya na ako?
Me: Yes sir, kasi dahil sa pagkamot mo, nalalaman mo na matatanggal mo ang kati sa pagkamot at nadadagdagan ang iyong pagkatao. (what the freak right?)
Sir: Pangalawang tanong, lahat rin ba ng bagay ay pagpapakatao?
Me: Yes sir, kasi lahat tayo ay may pananagutan agad kahit ayaw natin. At ang mga ginagawa natin ay i-jujudge na lang after.
Sir: Pano mo nasabi yan?
Me: Kasi hindi lahat ng pagpapakatao ay... tama?? (I wasn't sure if I was right or wrong)
Sir: Bakit naman?
Me: Sir, if may terrorist tapos gusto niya pumatay ka ng 3 sa 10 na hostages, kundi ay papatayin niya lahat. Ano ang gagawin mo? Kahit ano gawin mo e di may mapapatay ka.
The terrorist example I gave came from a conversation I had with Oli and Bym while we were in our 'let's not study' mode. So now, I still stick to my philosophy that we should not study for philo orals because we just need to experience things (during our 'let's not study' moments). Actually, joke lang. Mag-aral nga kayo... kailangan 'yan sa buhay.
Anyway, Microbio na lang. Lopez, kahit kumakanta lang ako sa class mo EVERYDAY (and sana 'di mo naririnig), I will show you how good I am in identifying bacteria... not really. Tae, inuman na sa friday. Beh!
Monday, March 26, 2007
dumadaldal lang
Yehey! Bukas, maglalasing na naman ako... este iinom ako. Mapagpilit kasi itong isa kong kaibigan e. Dyok lang. Ako talaga ang mapagpilit. Pero kung tutuusin, matagal ko na rin naman silang hindi nakasama e so pwede na. Iinom kami pagkatapos ko gawin ang aking pagsusulit sa Espanyol. iQue barbaridad!
Sa miyerkules at huwebes, malamang lalabas na naman ako. Parang hindi finals week ha. Sige lang... kapag hindi mataas ang greyds ko malalagot ako. Hahahaha. Sana hindi ako maubusan ng pera diba. Labas kasi ng labas tapos malapit na ang summer. Ang galing ko. Buti na lang talaga may sammer classes.
157 nga pala ang random namber ko. Masaya na ako dun dahil hindi ako ganun kalayo. Saka asa pa na may kaagaw ako sa mga klase ko. biochemistry? bio thesis? political science? siguro polsci meron pa... pero aasa lang ako sa biochem at bio thesis. Maski ako isusuka ko 'yung dalawang sabdyek na 'yan e kung hindi lang rekwayrd. Nakalimutan ko sabihin, naging iba na ang thesis partner ko... hindi na si Karen at Ann. Si Gel na. Hehehe.
Sa miyerkules at huwebes, malamang lalabas na naman ako. Parang hindi finals week ha. Sige lang... kapag hindi mataas ang greyds ko malalagot ako. Hahahaha. Sana hindi ako maubusan ng pera diba. Labas kasi ng labas tapos malapit na ang summer. Ang galing ko. Buti na lang talaga may sammer classes.
157 nga pala ang random namber ko. Masaya na ako dun dahil hindi ako ganun kalayo. Saka asa pa na may kaagaw ako sa mga klase ko. biochemistry? bio thesis? political science? siguro polsci meron pa... pero aasa lang ako sa biochem at bio thesis. Maski ako isusuka ko 'yung dalawang sabdyek na 'yan e kung hindi lang rekwayrd. Nakalimutan ko sabihin, naging iba na ang thesis partner ko... hindi na si Karen at Ann. Si Gel na. Hehehe.
ang saya ko ha
Pumunta ako kanina sa Ateneo ng maaga para mag-aral para sa pagsusulit ko sa History. Aba... manigas-nigas ako sa loob ng library sa kababasa ng libro na walang kwenta. Hiniram ko pa 'yun pero mukhang 'di naman yata nadagdagan ang aking talino. Parang nabobo lang ako sa kababasa. Tae. Dahil nga nabobo ako, at ayaw kong matuluyan ako, nagpasya na lamang ako na kunin ang aking eksam permit. Anak ng tinapay! Ang haba ng pila... kaya napaisip ako at sinabi sa sarili na dapat dati ko pa kinuha. Aktwali, hindi ako nagisip habang papunta sa dulo ng pila (nag-isip ako ng nasa pila na ako). Nakasalubong ko kasi ang aking kaibigang si Mac na tinawanan pa ako nang makarating ako sa dulo ng pila. Thank you... naapreciate ko 'yun. Haha.
So naghintay ako 'dun ng tatlumpung minuto pero 'di ko rin nakuha ang eksam permit ko dahil maleleyt na ako para sa aking pagsusulit. Nakakaasar. Buti na lamang, hindi ako hiningian ng exam permit ng aking mataray na guro. Mataray na nga, ang taas pa ng kilay. Ma'am, easy lang po... masaya ang buhay. Eniwey, madali ang pagsusulit ngunit dahil mataray ang teacher ko at mukhang ayaw niya ako... mukhang mababa pa rin ang aking marka kahit anong dali nito. Parang kahit multiple choice, sasabihin niya na hindi perpekto ang pagbilog ko sa letra ng tamang sagot. Epal.
Bukas naman, may pagsusulit ako sa Espanyol. Ano ba?! Sawang-sawa na ako dito sa asignaturang ito. Pero sa totoo lang, marami akong natutunan. Kung kausapin mo ako ngayon sa Espanyol malamang ay... tutunganga ako at maglalaway lang dahil hindi kita maintindihan. Dyok lang. Mayroon naman akong alam kahit konti, ang dami ko yatang natutunan sa guro ko, lalo na ang magluto ng 'tortilla de espanya' na sa totoo lang ay itlog na may patatas at sibuyas. Galing.
So naghintay ako 'dun ng tatlumpung minuto pero 'di ko rin nakuha ang eksam permit ko dahil maleleyt na ako para sa aking pagsusulit. Nakakaasar. Buti na lamang, hindi ako hiningian ng exam permit ng aking mataray na guro. Mataray na nga, ang taas pa ng kilay. Ma'am, easy lang po... masaya ang buhay. Eniwey, madali ang pagsusulit ngunit dahil mataray ang teacher ko at mukhang ayaw niya ako... mukhang mababa pa rin ang aking marka kahit anong dali nito. Parang kahit multiple choice, sasabihin niya na hindi perpekto ang pagbilog ko sa letra ng tamang sagot. Epal.
Bukas naman, may pagsusulit ako sa Espanyol. Ano ba?! Sawang-sawa na ako dito sa asignaturang ito. Pero sa totoo lang, marami akong natutunan. Kung kausapin mo ako ngayon sa Espanyol malamang ay... tutunganga ako at maglalaway lang dahil hindi kita maintindihan. Dyok lang. Mayroon naman akong alam kahit konti, ang dami ko yatang natutunan sa guro ko, lalo na ang magluto ng 'tortilla de espanya' na sa totoo lang ay itlog na may patatas at sibuyas. Galing.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
I am strong
Two hours ago my friend ym-ed me so I can help her with her philosophy orals. She asked me 'bakit tayo mapaparalyze sa idea of death?' Since I did not know the answer, I just told her 'kasi takot tayo sa hindi pa natin naeexperience pero alam nating maeexperience natin.'
After two hours, I realize that I did make sense... somehow. I haven't told anyone about the fact that I might get an F in a subject. If ever I did, I showed them my 'sus, okay lang yan... this is my patapon mode... let's live life' face. I gave that face so that the people would not worry about me. I do not like people to worry about me because I do the worrying for others. I am the one who is supposed to be strong for other people. That's what I am used to and that is what I want to do. Showing people that I am affected by something makes me vulnerable and weak.
Last Friday, I wanted to go out and just enjoy the whole day by drinking to get my mind off the idea of that F. I spent the day laughing with my friend while we were in the bench, drinking with biology people, drinking with some kleek peeps, and going to carla's party. I wanted to just enjoy. While I was in Cantina, we got into a fight with some teachers. My instincts took over and I knew I had to look out for my friends. I had to deal with the situation because I can't let my friends do it. I was ready to take the blows for them. I did. I am strong.
That night, a lot of things were going in my mind but I knew this was something I needed to handle by myself. That's how I do things... I handle things by myself. I look out for others but I don't want it vice versa. I am strong.
After two hours, I realize that I did make sense... somehow. I haven't told anyone about the fact that I might get an F in a subject. If ever I did, I showed them my 'sus, okay lang yan... this is my patapon mode... let's live life' face. I gave that face so that the people would not worry about me. I do not like people to worry about me because I do the worrying for others. I am the one who is supposed to be strong for other people. That's what I am used to and that is what I want to do. Showing people that I am affected by something makes me vulnerable and weak.
Last Friday, I wanted to go out and just enjoy the whole day by drinking to get my mind off the idea of that F. I spent the day laughing with my friend while we were in the bench, drinking with biology people, drinking with some kleek peeps, and going to carla's party. I wanted to just enjoy. While I was in Cantina, we got into a fight with some teachers. My instincts took over and I knew I had to look out for my friends. I had to deal with the situation because I can't let my friends do it. I was ready to take the blows for them. I did. I am strong.
That night, a lot of things were going in my mind but I knew this was something I needed to handle by myself. That's how I do things... I handle things by myself. I look out for others but I don't want it vice versa. I am strong.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
i want to write
I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. About life, love and all the random thoughts I can think of. I can write all day without having to expose myself to people. Then when I see people, they can say that I am so lucky to have what I have. Then, I would feel good about myself and be happy.
I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. By writing, I would not have to waste my time speaking of something that the one listening does not care about. Hell, the one listening has his/her own problems, so why add to it right? When we rant, we don't want advice... we just want someone to listen. We need someone to share that burden with us just for a moment. If I write, then I would not have to burden someone anymore.
I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. I get to release emotions without having to hold back. I do not have to worry about how others will react. I have freedom. I will just go on and on until my fingers get tired and my brain stops to rest.
I just wish I can write all day. I want to wriet all day. I do this because I want to believe in it. I can read it repeatedly until I believe in it. I can believe that it is what I want to do because the truth is, I want to expose myself, waste my time and hold back.
I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. By writing, I would not have to waste my time speaking of something that the one listening does not care about. Hell, the one listening has his/her own problems, so why add to it right? When we rant, we don't want advice... we just want someone to listen. We need someone to share that burden with us just for a moment. If I write, then I would not have to burden someone anymore.
I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. I get to release emotions without having to hold back. I do not have to worry about how others will react. I have freedom. I will just go on and on until my fingers get tired and my brain stops to rest.
I just wish I can write all day. I want to wriet all day. I do this because I want to believe in it. I can read it repeatedly until I believe in it. I can believe that it is what I want to do because the truth is, I want to expose myself, waste my time and hold back.
a big leap... frustrating
Imagine yourself jumping from a 50-foot builidng. You wanted to do this for so long. Now, you have mustered the courage to do so. All you can do is remember what you have done with your life. It was good right? You tell yourself that because you do not want to die feeling bad about yourself. But you do know you're going to die. You have not heard of anyone surviving a fall from a 50-foot building. No one can help.
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So this is it... how stupid of me to slip. Now, you want to live more than anything in the world.
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So this is it... how stupid of me to slip. Now, you want to live more than anything in the world.
thank you alcohol
Today, I sit in the middle of the room rekindling everything that has happened in the past. Emotions start to enter body trying to fill every inch of it. It starts to overflow until I could not take it anymore. I release it. I shout. I cry. I laugh. I put everything out hoping that I would be reduced to no emotions. For a moment, I thought it would work. Well, I was wrong.
(I just wish that my life would turn out the way I want it to be. I am tired of trying to work for that life I want and just see all that work go to waste. I'm frustrated because I want things to be the happy, beautiful, and exciting thing I imagine it to be. But it's not. Life is a tough one. It is sad but I try to look at the positive things in it so that I can pretend that it's what we imagine it to be. It's tiring to go against something and I am tired. In life, only sadness is permanent. Happiness is just temporary because once we stop working for it, we're left with sadness to dwell on.)
Today, I sit in the middle of the room. Emotions start to enter my body trying fill every inch of it. I wish the alcohol was enough to make me numb because I could not take it anymore. I release it. I shout. I cry. I laugh. I put everything out hoping that I would be reduced to no emotions. For a moment, it worked. Yes, it worked...
(I just wish that my life would turn out the way I want it to be. I am tired of trying to work for that life I want and just see all that work go to waste. I'm frustrated because I want things to be the happy, beautiful, and exciting thing I imagine it to be. But it's not. Life is a tough one. It is sad but I try to look at the positive things in it so that I can pretend that it's what we imagine it to be. It's tiring to go against something and I am tired. In life, only sadness is permanent. Happiness is just temporary because once we stop working for it, we're left with sadness to dwell on.)
Today, I sit in the middle of the room. Emotions start to enter my body trying fill every inch of it. I wish the alcohol was enough to make me numb because I could not take it anymore. I release it. I shout. I cry. I laugh. I put everything out hoping that I would be reduced to no emotions. For a moment, it worked. Yes, it worked...
Monday, March 19, 2007
subconcious thoughts
I officially call my subconciousness thetenniskid.
thetenniskid: Ah... so may pangalan na ako?
me: Uh... obviously.
thetenniskid: is that how uncreative you have become?
me: No! You freak ass! I just want my subconcious to be well-represented.
thetenniskid: Anyway, isn't it your hellweek this week?
me: Oo, patapon mode ako e. 'Wag ka magulo!
thetenniskid: Hala baka magka-D ka ha.
me: Thanks for stating the obvious. Talino mo! Tae ka.
thetenniskid: Ima going to sleep now and dream of **** first.
me: Stop! Kadiri. You're getting me in trouble. Gah. Kadiri.
thetenniskid: Ah... so may pangalan na ako?
me: Uh... obviously.
thetenniskid: is that how uncreative you have become?
me: No! You freak ass! I just want my subconcious to be well-represented.
thetenniskid: Anyway, isn't it your hellweek this week?
me: Oo, patapon mode ako e. 'Wag ka magulo!
thetenniskid: Hala baka magka-D ka ha.
me: Thanks for stating the obvious. Talino mo! Tae ka.
thetenniskid: Ima going to sleep now and dream of **** first.
me: Stop! Kadiri. You're getting me in trouble. Gah. Kadiri.
attachment
I realized that my biggest flaw is attachment. Once I get attached to people or things, i can't seem to remove myself from them and instead, concentrate on myself.
Back when I was in grade 3, I had a dog which I loved very dearly. It was fat, fluffy and would always follow me wherever I go. Then, my dad hit it... with a freaking car. I cried the whole day and did not talk to my dad for two days. That day just sucked.
Now, I realize that I get easily attached to the people I meet. And I think, this hinders me from performing to my true potential in school. Instead of going home, I'd rather stay in school to hang out with people. This makes consider what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mother said in Grey's Anatomy. Dr. Bailey told Dr. Stevens not to get attached to her patients and just be their surgeon only. On the other hand, Meredith's mother told Meredith that she has lost focus all because she met someone.
I think I easily get attached to people. Yes, it makes me lose focus. But do I care? I guess I have to disagree with what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mom said. Apart from being a student, I am a person. I care for the people around me and that in itself defines the doctor that I am going to become. If I die tomorrow, I'll be happy. If I don't, guhreat... more entries to convince myself that I'm doing fine. It works you know.
Shet, core mode na. I'm excited for EvSem.
Back when I was in grade 3, I had a dog which I loved very dearly. It was fat, fluffy and would always follow me wherever I go. Then, my dad hit it... with a freaking car. I cried the whole day and did not talk to my dad for two days. That day just sucked.
Now, I realize that I get easily attached to the people I meet. And I think, this hinders me from performing to my true potential in school. Instead of going home, I'd rather stay in school to hang out with people. This makes consider what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mother said in Grey's Anatomy. Dr. Bailey told Dr. Stevens not to get attached to her patients and just be their surgeon only. On the other hand, Meredith's mother told Meredith that she has lost focus all because she met someone.
I think I easily get attached to people. Yes, it makes me lose focus. But do I care? I guess I have to disagree with what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mom said. Apart from being a student, I am a person. I care for the people around me and that in itself defines the doctor that I am going to become. If I die tomorrow, I'll be happy. If I don't, guhreat... more entries to convince myself that I'm doing fine. It works you know.
Shet, core mode na. I'm excited for EvSem.
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