kids and adults

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. I thought that by being an adult I would:

1. not have to sleep in the afternoon
2. be able to play all day long
3. be able to avoid eating yucky food (at that time, the only that wasn’t yucky were fried food)
4. be able to avoid school and studying
5. be able to buy any toy that I like instead of letting my mom buy me shirts (which I hated at that time)
6. be who I wanted to be when I grow up
7. not be bossed around by my parents
8. simply be free to do anything I want

I guess I forgot to consider something. Or maybe it just was not explained to me that adults do have responsibilities. Great. People forgot to tell me something and that something just happens to be the something that would have made me not want to be an adult. Now that I am in my ‘young adulthood’ stage, I just wish I was a kid again. If I was a kid again, I would:

1. sleep all I can in preparation for the sleepless night in the future (thank you schoolwork)
2. would play only the sports that I would play in the future (then I would actually be excellent in those)
3. eat as much non-fried food as possible to be a healthy young lad in the future (so I won’t be fat in the future)
4. promise myself that I would take academics seriously (although I do not think I failed here)
5. buy shirts so it would not be that surprising in the future if I buy clothes at a regular rate
6. promise myself to sleep so I can actually grow up and then be who I want to be.
7. follow my parents
8. be thankful that I do not have responsibilities that are life-changing

Each person has a constant struggle with regret and sometimes we wallow in them so much that we forget that we have three quarters of our life ahead of us. Today, I told myself to stop regretting and move on. It does not help that I wallow in self-pity so why do it. I’m better off having fun with I have and just work with it. So there, I love my life.

To you (in case I read this in the future so it’s really addressed to me): You need to appreciate each and everything that comes your way while you still have it.

two ideas for the day

I am losing my focus. This is the big problem with me. One sem is too long for me to keep up the momentum that I was able to generate some months ago. You see, some months ago I was doing well and my grades were very DL-able. Now, they not very DL-able, they are now just i-just-wish-they're-even-DL-able grades. Anyway, I would have wanted the sem to stop a month ago. But for obvious reasons I cannot make that happen. So let's just say that this is a good thing. What is? The fact that I lost focus for only a part of the sem. Time to step up.
________________________________________________________

On another note, today was a day of silence for me. I was not in the mood to talk that much because I did not feel like talking. This rarely happens since most people think that I cannot keep my trap shut (which is kinda true if I think about it). But today, I was able to do it. Maybe this happens during days when I just want to think. I guess sometimes, people need a few days of relaxation and with school throwing whatever in front of me, I end up with silence to relax (I know it's kind of pathetic). Tomorrow, I will talk like there's no tomorrow.

Okay... now that I think about it, that's just plain (add whatever you want to... i'm not writing it). I am silent because I have lots of things in my mind. Most of the time, I think about these things and forget about my sorroundings. Then... splat (not the appropriate onomatopoetic word), I return back to earth. Great.

polarity

Remember when you had your firt grade school experiment on polarity where you were tasked to observe the two magnets that were being moved closer to each other. That was probably the first time you have heard the statement 'Opposite charges attract and like charges do not.' Well you see, today I've realized how different my brother and I are. We are total opposites. Even my friend told me so.

While I play sports under the scorching sun, he prefers to bask 'under' the television's radiation in hopes of doing nothing. While I sing my lungs out to different types of music, he prefers to just etch away and draw whatever it is he wants to draw. While I do stuff to groom myself (buy clothes and other stuff), he prefers to just wear whatever is there and look like umm... himself. While I am studying Biology in hopes to be a doctor/chef, he prefers to enroll himself in Fine Arts major in Advertising.

Fine, that was a good enough choice considering that there might be some future in advertising for him. I told him to pursue it because it is what he loved. But then, he suddenly tells me that he wants to be a social worker. What?! It's like going through pre-med and then ending up as a chef (which sounds kind of familiar). But the point is that social workers end up telling themselves that they are fulfilled even though they are not. They pretend that all their hardwork has been well-compensated for and they couldn't ask for more. Right... whatever.

Am I being mean for even thinking that the only way one can be happy with life is through monetary compensation? Maybe I'm just being practical and want him to be happy. Or maybe, I just want my brother to be, like me, someone who wants to achieve something big in life. Most probably, I won't stop this because he'll be the person my parents expect him to be... my polar opposite. And no, that is not a bad thing in this world, really.

transition period... supposedly

Am I going through that so-called identity crisis (which according to my SA professor is part of the adolescent stage)? Well, maybe I am. Or maybe I am not. See, just writing this proves that I do not even know what my situation is as of this very moment.

I am nineteen. Yes, I might not look like my age but you cannot do anything about it. It has been genetically encoded in my body and nothing will change that unless of course I become an experiment for I don’t know what. Anyway, I’m supposed to be in the sixth stage of development which would be young adulthood or in other words, the stage where I have to battle between intimacy and isolation. Yet, I do not think I’m there right now.

I’m stuck in the stage of adolescence. The challenge for me is to gain my identity and eliminate confusion. Great. For obvious reasons, I’m bound to be in this stage for a long while. You see, I have this dream of being a doctor or being a chef or being one of the greatest tennis players. As I have said, they are dreams so anything is possible. But the problem arises when I have to eliminate the ones that are near impossible.

So let’s see… ummm… I guess I have to say goodbye to being one of the greatest tennis players and just be content with local tournaments. Why? Well… ummm… aaahhh… isn’t it obvious? If you are living in a first world country, this dream is so easy to achieve. Well not too easy but relatively easy. You get the opportunities to actually try to be one. But if you started out tennis late in your life and you live in a third world country where sports is not one of the top priorities (because education is more important and it needs more budget or at least that’s what they say), you might as well fall flat on your face and dance to the newest dance craze in town. Great, now I’m becoming one of those writers who try infusing some “nationalistic” ideas to help heal the world. Not really.

Anyway, I’m left with two choices either become a doctor or chef (which people always think as me saying ‘shift’ in a barok tone). I am in my quarter-life crisis. Well, I’m assuming that my plans of dying by the age of around 70-80 will happen (normal age to get old), because I don’t want to be very old. So there, I can’t wait for my mid-life crisis. I bet it is really going to be one hell of a ride (pun intended).

new writing music

The fact is that I am picky. I don't just read any book. I don't just eat any food. I don't just wear any shirt. I don't just listen to any music. And yet, I'm listening to something that I don't normally listen to (meaning, it's not jazz, or r&b. hahaha). It has been playing on my cd player over and over again. Surprisingly, the music is worth my money (at first, I thought I wasted money on it) and it deserves to be part of my 'music to listen to while writing.' That is a good thing considering that I find music as a distraction while writing.

Anyway, I was writing my English review paper (which is due tomorrow but I only did it tonight. this is called procrastination.) and I was just typing away because all my ideas were flowing right out of my mind. I'm not sure whether it was the music or the mind of the writer (me). But I'm guessing it's because of the music. I made that decision because when I switched to John Legend, I couldn't write smoothly. The music was very intense (although some songs were exceptions) that I couldn't concentrate on writing. So I decided to switch back so that I can write well again (which was the expected result).

So now, apart from Joss Stone's two albums and Kenny G's Duets album, I finally have new music for my writing. Yes, I'm listening to it right now while writing.

nerd is just a way of thinking

For the first time in my college life, I actually feel like I am meant to be a college student. My grades are at an all time high (A’s in all subjects except for two) and I think I want them to stay that way. Well to tell you frankly, I think no one would want their grades to be low so I’m guessing that this is the behavior that one might expect from me.

Recently, I have turned into a ‘nerd’ because I have been reading my books and taking notes as I go through them. Then, I go to the library to read some more of these books during my breaks. As far as I can remember, I have never done such a thing since I almost got a D in second year high school in a subject that I hate… biology. And surprisingly, that is my current major. Great. I guess, I just missed my old self where I got the results that I wanted in terms of everything. I had control of my life and getting the grades I wanted were part of it. This semester, I told myself that it was time to overachieve again because I knew that it was what would make me happy.

I just want to point something out. That is the reason why I am even writing an entry on my academic life. Anyway, it used to be that nerds were the losers in the campus. They were being made fun of and at times, only befriended for their talents. However, as the years passed, nerds have been accepted more in our society and that they are the ones with power in the future. The truth is, I even find that people do not respect jocks anymore simply because they are dumb. Well of course, there are exceptions. But generally speaking, jocks aren’t as well-respected as they used to be.

So why is it cool to be a nerd? As I see it, the only reason why we call someone a nerd is because of the way that person looks. For example, if a guy has braces and eyeglasses, he would already be considered a nerd even if he was stupid. On the other hand, if a guy has style (having nice clothes) and can look good (well… ummm… isn’t this self-explanatory), then even if he was very studious he would never be considered a nerd. With this being said, I think that the term ‘nerd’ only refers to the image itself and not to the real sense of it.

This is the realization that made me become a REAL nerd. I realized that even if I often burn the midnight oil (well, not really), I will never be tagged a nerd for as long as I don’t look the part. Everything depends on the image that you want other people to see. In the words of William Shakespeare (and I know this has been used countless times), "All the world’s a stage." So I say we better act the part that we want others to see.

remembering nostalgia

Nostalgia: a wistful yearning of the past. I have been hearing or experiencing this today so I knew it was a sign that I had to write a paragraph or two about it.

Most people, if not all, will always think about the good times that they have had when they were younger than they are now. For some it might be twenty to thirty years, while others only have to go back for about five to ten years. For me, the latter would be the case. Going back twenty years would be a stupid thing for me to do. Most probably, the only thing I will remember would be well… umm… nothing. Yes folks, nothing. And it is all because my parents haven’t met yet.

If I was to be nostalgic, I would remember so many things. I will remember the days when people wanted to be one of the Power Rangers. When most people wanted to be either the Red or Green ranger, I wanted to be the Black Ranger. These were the days when you will build a team of five and the sort of tomboyish girl gets to be the Yellow ranger while the girly girl gets the Pink Ranger.

I will remember the days when touchball was the ‘sport’ that every student would play in school every recess and lunch times. And when the fetcher of the kids weren’t there yet, they would also play during dismissal times. At the end of the day, we have kids covered in soil and perspiring like little pigs.

I will remember the days when you were cool if you had a beeper (which was not black). It had to be one of those colorful ones that you can show of in school (I never had a beeper). But then, if you had a cellphone, you were much cooler than the guys with beepers. You had that 5110 which had different express-on covers that you get to change everyday just because it was cool to change it. The coolest people would be the one with the 6110 or 6150 because they had an infrared on their phone. Infrareds are thos black things on top of their phones that they just use to play 2-player snake.

I will remember the days when baggy pants were cool and the bigger they were, the better (I never went for this fad). You could sweep the floor with them and your shoes wouldn’t be seen but you didn’t care. For as long as they were big, they were good.

I will remember so many things that I would not have enough time to think about them (I have a long test for histology lab. tomorrow). But the point is, I will always want to remember these because they make life seem so enjoyable. You remember the pathetic things at present which used to be cool, the fun moments you had with you family and friends and even the food that you loved to eat when you were a kid. These are the things that make you want to be nostalgic. Nostalgia… it will only take so long until I become nostalgic about being nostalgic.

literature for the self

“I am doing this because one day I will become a novelist. A great one who will be known throughout the world of literature and yet have a book which will not be part of the bestseller list.” That is what I tell myself whenever I write. I want to become a great novelist but I don’t want to be part of the bestseller list. You ask me why I am saying such an absurd statement. The main reason that I am saying such a thing is because I see the bestseller list as a stamp of commercialism.

Yes, you will get rich and be known world-wide but I highly doubt that majority of the people who bought your book actually understood its literary meaning. Most probably, the people who bought it were just joining the bandwagon and pretending that they actually loved it because it was such a well-crafted story. They’d be saying ‘Oooohh… have you read Dan Brown? The way he constructed his plot was so amazing that I couldn’t stop reading it.’ Great… To those people who are saying that, I just want to say that the only reason why Dan Brown is such a huge hit is because his chapters are short. Fine, it might also be because of the plot but it is really the short chapters that get you hooked to it. With the younger generation (my generation included) having a short attention span, it is not at all surprising if they liked that book because of its ‘well-constructed plot.’ But I just have to make a correction. It is not the plot. Rather, it is the pacing that is worthy of praise.

Don’t kid yourself. Having something that is well-liked by almost everyone does not mean that it will be well-liked by everyone. On one of my favorite author’s interviews, Susanna Clarke said that there should not be any canon on what books to read and people should discover for themselves what book gives them the certain magic. And in most cases, as Jonathan Safran Foer puts it, people are somehow put off by the books that were assigned to them in school just because they were assigned. I agree with them. Each has his or her own book out there waiting to be opened.

dying to be a vegetarian

It is said that some food are acquired tastes. They are not just liked by everyone because they have a taste that is not suitable for every palate. It is common knowledge that kids hate vegetables (unless of course you were one of those kids who, weirdly enough, were born vegetarian). Even though that is the case, it is said that we outgrow that stage and then we gradually acquire the taste of these vegetables. But in my case, that obviously does not apply.

I hate their taste and it just does not help that they make be want to barf. Seriously. Just thinking of eating a crunchy green vegetable makes me want to stop and think of something else. For some sort of reason, I never acquired the taste of these vegetables. Fine, I eat these vegetables if they were put on a pizza, hamburger or some other junkfood. Why? The reason is that the pizza or the hamburger actually covers the taste of the vegetable. I mean, vegetables aren’t even sweet, so why like them?

It’s just a thought that came into my mind. I happened to eat some California Maki a while ago and expected a mixture of rice, nori, mango, and crab. But noooooo… they had to put some weird green, crunchy vegetable in it. Of all the types of vegetables you can put, they had to put a green, crunchy one. Why couldn’t they have put an onion or a pepper just to spice things up? Fine, it won’t taste good but it isn’t as if the green, crunchy vegetable was any better.

I talked to my crush a while ago about these stupid vegetables. She says that she hates them too (we removed those green, crunchy things from the Maki) and realized that she won’t survive as a vegetarian. She thought about being vegetarian over the break and realized that she would die. The case is same with me. I will die if I become vegetarian. Death by vegetables, I would say.

technology and the joys without it

When you are in a place where it seems that technology has stopped in its tracks, you are bound to live the simple life. It was not long ago when I was in a place like that. Actually, it was just yesterday. For three straight days, I had to make do without any signal for my phone (no happy new year messages and whatever message i would have received), no computer, no television, no radio, and even no newspaper. It seemed as if I was on an island when in fact I was on a mountain. I was so helpless to the point that I would tell my cousins that we should just roam around the village and look for ghosts. Technically, we were in a village with a population of... my family. So, it was not surprising to find ghosts (it was in Mt. Samat).

Anyway, we did not find ghosts and I am not gonna invent one just to make this entry interesting for whoever reads it. The main point of this entry is that I have realized that I am, as I would say it, techno-dependent. Not having ym for a few days because of a virus drove me nuts so what more if it were me not having anything that speaks by itself. It drove me crazy. It was not an enjoyable time for me and it was all because of my techno-dependence.

This is when I realized that I did not go to this vacation to have a bonding session with the television, computer, or the radio. I was there to celebrate the New Year with the whole 'angkan.' This, I guess, is the point of it all. I always look for things which I think would be a joyous celebration of the season. When, in fact, it is the simplicity of celebrating the season which makes it more meaningful. The season has ended and it will be another five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes before I feel that season again.

swallowing my pride

I don’t know. I just watched an interview yesterday where people were talking about letting go of everything material. They said that once you reach that level of maturity, you realize what true happiness really is. So, as usual, I had to think about it. I needed to reflect and find out how this is related to my life. And if ever it was related, how do I make sure that I find out what real happiness is.

I must have said this hundreds of times but I’m saying it again. I want to be a chef and I think it will make me happy. You must be telling me right now that I am stupid in taking up Biology and then ending up as a chef. Maybe I am but I do not think that I will regret it. Most of my life, I have been living to compete with other people. I compete because I found joy in being on top. You never reach a moment of satisfaction because you know that there is someone better than you and this makes you work harder.

I remember in my last year in high school when I was in the most competitive point of my life. I got honors every term, joined the lawn tennis varsity team, got top marks in long tests, got graduation honors, became part of the fair committee, became my class’ yearbook representative, and became a writer for the school magazine. My classmates even said that I was ‘lagi may ginagawa.’ It was all about being the best of every aspect of school. I wanted them all and I succeeded. But did it give me happiness? I believe that it did not. Yes, there have been perks to having done all those achievements but they were not enough to satisfy me. I remember that I kept on working everyday. I went home at six because of varsity practices and I had to go to school at six the next day. I was so busy to the point that I wanted to do everything. I did group projects by myself, spent time to read up in the library so that I can be prepared for the next lesson. It was tiring and when I think about it, I am slightly happy that I was able to do a lot in a year but it was not true happiness.

I got into college trying to let go of everything. I wanted to let go of this competitive spirit and just be happy. Somehow, I was able to do this. I did not join any organizations and I spend most of my time helping people out with whatever it is. Does this make me happy? It does. Fine, I never completely lost that spirit because I am in a course where people compete for the top prize: getting into the best medical school. The truth is, if I was given a choice, I would want to be in AB Communications. I would want to take that up and then become a Chef afterwards. That has been my dream but I never went for it because people thought that I would be wasting my ‘intelligence’ in a course such as Comm. Also, I chose my course because this is what returns the most money. Now, I realize that life is more than that.

I have found out that I can only find true happiness by being in Communications and becoming a chef afterwards. I do not need a lot of money. In fact, I just need enough to make me (and my future family… if ever) live through everyday life. I do not want the mansion and cars that I have often dreamed of. I just want a life of happiness and a life of contentment. I can only find that in communications and culinary arts.

permanence

A week ago, I met a taxi driver who was very different from the taxi drivers that I have met in my life. This one was very talkative and never lost topics to talk about. Everytime the cab would go silent, he would start talking again just to fill that echoing silence. This, for me, was very unusual since I am not used to talking to strangers.

This man wanted to know a lot about me. He asked where I went to school, what course I am taking, and even what sport I like. What struck me most was the fact that he was so open with sharing his own experiences. He used to take up accounting but never got to finish it because he did not have enough money. We talked about biology topics and this man even knew more than I did. Then, he also told me he used to play tennis but, as the usual case was with him, he did not have enough money to continue it. This guy even wanted to watch my IAC competition just so he can watch tennis again.

But, that is not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that this man told me that I should do what I love. He asked me what type of doctor I wanted to be and I said I wanted to be a pediatrician and the only reason I wanted cardiology is because of the money. This made him say that I should not do things because of the money rather, I should do it because it gives me joy.

With this, I have realized that I have changed myself so much just to adapt to the world and this turned me into a person who has lost his true identity. I keep saying that people lose their identity by not showing who they are not realizing that I am losing it to. I am losing it because of constant change. If I continue this, I might not even know who I am. I do not believe that changing is a permanent concept. For me, we can always stop changing if we stop trying to fit into the molds that society has given us. I've realized that changing for people, is just lying to oneself.

The man I met might not have been able to do what he loved but he made sure other people did. And for me, that is really commendable. I know that I would not meet him again and if ever I do, that would just be a bonus. Yet, there is one thing I know that this man has done. He has made sure that he is remembered. In the future, when I am doing something that I love, I will tell myself that this man was one of the reasons.

One day, I would want to do just the same thing. I want someone to remember me even if everybody else forgets.

pre-Christmas day

Christmas is near and I'm in a holiday cheer mood. Fine, even if my ym is not working, I still am in that mood where I want to go to the garden and throw styrofoam bits above my head just so I can pretend it is snowing. But then again, maybe I'll just imagine myself doing it. For the first time in so many months, I finally get to feel that indeed Christmas is near.

This is the season that you buy gifts for people you care for, that sometimes it hurts because you're buying something that you could be buying for yourself. But if you think about it, I guess that's the point of it all. You give something (it may just be something simple or something not-so-simple) because you want to show people that you care. Fine, you can show you care without giving anything but people need the affirmation. It is hard for people to grasp something that is not tangible and pretend that there is something even if there is not. I guess gifts symbolize the care of people and its tangibility strengthens that.

Christmas is the season where people get the opportunity to strengthen relationships. It's a universal thing that even if you try to get away from it, it just runs after you to spread the holiday cheer.

Shout outs to the following (thank you for the gifts):
Pangit loser - Pangit loser! You thought that gift was me? Well, it was. Haha. I'll wear it some time. Hehe. I'll keep in touch when you're already in Canada. By the way, i'll give my gift next year (it's your fault. hehe.).

Lemon girl - I agree. Everything was Illuminated when you became one of my bestfriends. Haha. I'm reading it this Christmas break. At last, I have it!! Ym still sucks by the way.

Mayonnaise (how obvious) - Hahaha. No pressure kaya. See, you were able to but something for me. I liked it. I read the first chapter and it's really funny. Practice ka nga mag-bowl so you won't be in last place next time. :D

Skitz - Cool nung gift! I find the picture very funny. Para akong tanga. Everytime I look at it, I realize that I was stupid enough to try to 'cross' that see-saw. And yes, I am still 'puzzled' by life and love but not the complex of math (genius eh! haha).

Damiana - I was in Chocnut heaven. Hahaha. I still owe you an eraser. Next year... I'll give it to you. The bet is still on. I'm really going to get DL this sem and if you get a D. Well... ummm... good for me? Hehe. Kidding.

Girlfriend - Aaaahhh! I still don't have a gift for you. I'm a bad boyfriend (actually, you're a mistress lang diba?). Hahahaha. Thanks for that mug/tumbler. I'm going to be drinking more coffee because of it. We haven't even gone out for our first date. How sad. Hahahaha.

Chain of fools - Chain! Sorry! Masarap yung cookies. Hahaha. I want more. Fine, it's not for people whom you haven't thought of giving gifts to. It's delicious-o. I'm munching on them right now. And it's decreasing by the minute. They'd be gone by Christmas.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

reflection

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you were unpredictable in the past. You never gave much about yourself and that was the mystery that enveloped your very existence. It was you in your worst form and you in your best form. Nobody knew which was the real you, but still you stayed in that form. For you, what you thought of yourself was the most important notion of all. You stood against the tides of mankind’s social constructs and you endured its each and every blow. Congratulations to you my friend, because for this I salute you.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you had issues within yourself. These are the issues of life that every person of this earth has to engage in everyday. You are normal beyond the eccentricities you think you have. Yes, in a world where people all have certain eccentricities, it is the eccentricities that make people normal. You are normal in every way possible and for this, you have made feel unique.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that I have hated you in the past. I hated you because you were honest. Your honesty has pierced every bit of my soul and it made me realize a lot of things that I have never dreamed of realizing. The realizations that I will be carrying until I become one with the earth is something that will stay true. You have given me depth because of this honesty of yours, and for that I owe you the essence of my soul.

I thought I didn’t know you, knowing for a fact that you are my friend. You are my friend in every aspect of that word – the person who you care for even with the person’s faults. I guess I never knew you were a real friend to me, even if you were. But that is my mistake, I have changed now. You are a good friend. What I think is all that matters, and that is something I have learned from you.

I thought I didn’t know you… that is what I thought. I have known myself more because of pondering over your character, realizing that you are me. You are me in both our similarities and differences. That is just funny. All the while I thought I did not know you, but in the end, it was me whom I did not know in the start.

hide 'n seek: shadow and light

*A story inspired by a friend's life story. I am using 'he' because it's shorter than 'she.' I'm not sexist okay. Hehe.

The sun’s rays aimlessly wander in search for that object. It is the object that will create the shadow of the man that stands still on the Earth’s soil. And today, at the break of a new dawn the sun has found him. He, who stands still to reflect upon what has happened with his life and for him it is all that matters right now.

He stood still on a grassy knoll not knowing who he really was. He did not know his identity – his real identity (or maybe he was just denying it to escape complications). For him, the name, age, and everything else on his driver’s license were just information that were given to him so that he can be identified by other people. But that, unfortunately, was not the real him. He was a different person inside and that was something he did not show. Don’t get him wrong, he badly wanted to show it was just that he was afraid. He has always been afraid as a kid because people might not like him and at his age, nothing was different. He was still someone who only showed the part of him that he thought would please everyone.

Recently, things have started piling up and he knew something was wrong. It was not just one of those mid-life crises (first of all, he wasn’t even in his mid-life), and neither was it a petty problem. He had to think over what has happened the past few days to understand why the events that he was experiencing were happening. He has been losing his friends one by one (faster than me saying Harry-Potter-and-the-Sorcerer's-stone) and he had no clue why. All of them have been mad at him for reasons that escape him.

His life before the incident was pretty normal. He woke up, went to school, studied for whatever, ate lunch, studied again, went home and that was the routine. At home he would do what normal people would do. His life was one monotonous activity. But he did not care. He guessed that was the problem. He did not care enough and maybe he was aloof at times. No, he knew it wasn’t just some of the time because it was most of the time. This was his day of self-reflection and knew he wanted to change. He needed to change for his benefit and others as well. He only had one problem. He can’t change. Was it pride? Nope. Maybe it was indifference? Nope. Scared? Yes. He was afraid to show his true identity – the identity that he denies to others and himself as well. It was his fate and it will forever be so.

He faces the sun, finally realizing his fate – he can never have everything. It was a choice. He could have the sun and him facing each other, while they observe every detail of the other's surface, but not seeing what was beyond it. Or, he could face his shadow, seeing more than its silhouette, and finally realize who he really was. But one thing was for sure, he can only see one of them and he can never let both find each other. He blocks the path between his shadow and the sun.

He could not make a choice. Instead, he waited for the sun to set and he went to find for a place to hide. Everyday he longs for this place. This was the place where he can see neither shadow nor light.

striking a balance

The arts have enraptured my soul and I find it hard to escape it. Everywhere I go, music, literature, and the culinary arts keep on showing their heads to remind me that I have to have them. I need them. Without them, I will not be able to bring back the balance - the balance that has recently been lost. I have been concentrating too much on sports and I have just lost track of myself. That is why the arts are calling for me.

You see, these three things have been the contents of my mind and I am sure that this is a sign. Not really a reliable sign but at least there's the fact that I'm considering it. Recently, I have wanted to take these things seriously and actually be able to have a part of me involved in those things. And I'm not talking in the amateur sense of those words, I want to at least be in the intermediate level.

Anyway, I have been serious about music and that is really something. As I have said in my previous entries, I cannot commit to something for reasons that escape me. So wanting to either play the piano or the saxophone is a big leap for me. It's one of those moments that you have finally matured enough to find a path in life and have reasons to do things. You just don't do what you do because of the perks that you might get. Rather, you have the other reason for it which is love for what you do. When you love something, you will do anything to nurture it and make sure it does not escape you again. You want it to be part of you and when you are serious about these, you succeed. I want to play one of these instruments and treat is as a craft. Not just a hobby but a serious craft.

As for literature, I think I have said in the previous entry about this. The books in my shelf have inspired me to write a novel. However, I have no idea where the novel I started is going. It has no direction and I have no concrete/unique enough story to even continue it. I have given it until the end of this month to have some shape but if that does not happen then I will have to pull the plug. I will shift to creating children's literature which for me is closer to the heart. I am a kid at heart. Weeeeehhh, imbento.

Lastly, you have the gastronomic side in all of my artistic endeavors (okay, okay... future endeavors). It has been my passion to cook eversince. I love food and the flavors are just endless. At first you are afraid to taste something because it is out of your range. But when you grow up to have the courage to taste something new, you find something new that will challenge you again. I remember tasting my dad's lamb chops and hating it because it tasted like toothpaste (thanks to the green paste). But as I grew up, I got exposed to new things and eating lamb chops was not a challenge anymore. I found new things that I found odd in taste and then it becomes familiar in time. This is the time that you appreciate it. It is a cycle, just like it is with everything else. I will take lessons in cooking. I want to cook good food.

So with that, I can say that I just want to strike a balance. I want my body and soul to be equal. I do not like one overcoming the other. I guess I just want to believe that I have a sound mind in a sound body. That, I guess is the point of it all.

escaping reality

I was walking a while ago and as usual, I was thinking about a lot of things. I might have looked like some weirdo on the street because I was thinking and truth be told, I do not know what I look like when I am thinking. But I don't think I'm drooling or making funny faces. Well, I might talk to myself at times and that is not because I'm crazy. It just so happens that I got used to it because people playing tennis (I'm one of them) do it to psych themselves up. Anyway, walking just gives me that feeling of freedom - that feeling that time is at a standstill and you could just be alone by yourself and nothing will bother you. You can say it's a bit of an escape from reality. And for me, that's good. With everything that has been going on, I need a little time off from this reality and just relax my mind (now i know why I have white hair at my age).

Actually, I try to find lots of ways to escape from reality. I walk and think, read my novels, sing (and hope to play an instrument while doing that), and then write. The thing is, I have this 'mini-library' at home with all the books I bought (and some that were given to me; I have 63 now... 37 more to go to reach my goal) and everytime I look at it, I just wish I had my own novel. I tried to continue with my novel and as usual, that irritating writer's block would creep in into me. That is the time that I just stare at the computer and hope for anything to come. Well obviously, nothing really went into my mind. To think I was even asking for more brain space when it seems that ideas are at an all-time low. So, novel status: 1%. In other words, I have got two measly pages which are not yet even edited. If I don't get it done by this month, I am really switching to writing children's literature and be the next Rowling, Colfer, or Snicket (not his real name).

I went to the bookstore a while ago and saw that the book that I wanted to buy was going to be turned into a movie. Oh crap... That is just great. There is one thing you need to know. I hate it if my books are turned into movies. Fine, they can be turned into movies but I have to read them first. I will buy Foer's Everything is Illuminated once I finish Murakami.

brain space

I need more brain space (it is not because I have a small brain). This I realized when lately I have forgotten things more often than usual. It’s like the only things that are retained in this mind of mine are those irrelevant ideas that will not save me when I am about to get killed because of I don’t know what. I have a brain with too much facts (okay… feeling) that it’s hard to retain new information. It’s not like the computer where ‘garbage in, garbage out’ is the main thing going on. It’s more of ‘garbage in, not-so-garbage out.’ That sucks right? I’m retaining useless information. Instead of knowing which cell is which, I have information such as who is the new team in the Justice League. Yuck, immature me kicking in.

Anyway, I just thought that I needed more brain space and I need it fast. Zoom. Ummm… okay, what was that for? Or maybe, I could turn into an elephant and have its memory. Then, I wouldn’t even be writing about wanting more brain space. I wish I was an elephant. Not really. I can’t make up my mind. This is a useless entry. I had a lot to write about a while ago but I lost most of them. See, what I’m saying is true. This blog has its purposes.

the pig with his goals

I am a pig. Pweh. After a long time of being a very clean person with fixed hair and a clean uniform, I have now turned into a pig. College has turned me into a pig and that for me is ummmm… I really don’t know. I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or not because there are always two sides to a coin.

On the one hand, I have gotten out of my shell and by that I mean I loosened up a bit. It used to be that I did not want people touching my well-fixed hair (well I still don’t want them to) but now, I get to have a hair that is going nowhere. It’s kinda messy at times and I get to experiment on it now. I don’t know… I just have that thing for hair. One more thing is that I wear whatever I feel because I can ‘dala’ what I wear so there’s no problem with that (hahaha… yabang). Then there’s also the fact that I got to love messy music. When I say messy music, I refer to soul music and any type of black music where there’s no definite melody. You know what I mean. To sum it all up, my messiness made me more experimental and loosened up.

But on the other hand, I have become a messy person. My grades weren’t what they used to because I don’t schedule my studying time anymore. I just study whenever I want to. I also eat sloppily and I sweat so much (well sweating was kinda genetic). Meyo (It’s a codename) and Skitz were calling me boy pawis and baboy yesterday. Hahahaha. I am a pig and I sweat so much. I think I have excessive sweat glands. Or I just have an active body.

I’ll just look at the bright side. At least pigs never become extinct. And I get to rule if I was in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. That is just sad. Haha.

By the way, I have new goals.
1. Win some contest. (IAC??!)
2. Be a good sax/piano player (so near…)
3. Write my first novel (ummm… 2 pages. Pweh.)
4. Quattro Kid (Hopefully this sem… Thomas hopefully would not be a problem)
5. Decide whether I’ll be a pastry or gourmet chef, then I learn how to be one. (lessons na!)
6. TV Host (Hahaha… this is more of a new dream)

to end it all

When you start something, you better finish it. That is something which I have never been able to succeed in, to finish something. Well, I actually got to finish academic requirements and have amazing results with them. But, if we are going to talk about achievements that do not have deadlines, I would say that I have never achieved something great at the moment. Every talent I have seems to be half-baked and that I feel is just plain sad.

Everything started when I was a kid who got everything. I was kind of a spoiled brat and I would have hated to be the parent of a younger me. But you see, one thing I explicitly remember bout my childhood is that I get bored easily. Every time I get a new toy, I would only play with it for a week or two and then we get on to the next toy. I even remember feeling guilty about not playing with the toys for more than two weeks and thinking that my dad might feel bad because I was not playing with the toys he gave me. So, what I did was try to pretend to still be interested with them every time he was looking.

So when I got into grade 3, I tried Taek-won-do out. My dad motivated me to take it since I wanted to fight with my brother anyway. I just went with it for three months and then I stopped. I hated the feeling of being barefoot and at that time, we trained on cement so it was really hard on the feet (especially for a kid). Then after a few years, I tried playing the piano and I only got up to grade 1. So that was not good either. Then you have tennis. Well, I got into the varsity team in my fourth year in high school but I quit as soon as I got injured. You can just see how easily I give up. I do not have passion in the things I did.

When I think about it, all the things I did, I only did because I wanted to get something out of it. It was never about me enjoying and wanting what I did. You see, I took up piano lessons to impress girls, and then tennis to become popular in school because I was finally a jock. But it was just about that. It was all about gaining something even If I did not like it. A simple case of the end having been able to justify the means, I should say.

But now I really know what I want because I have passion for these things. I want to play the piano because I want to play it. I want to play tennis because I want to play it. I want to take cooking lessons because I love cooking and eating. However, when I asked my parents if I can do these things again, they were not sure whether or not to let me continue. My dad told me long ago that I have a way of not continuing things that I have started. Fine, they let me continue tennis but the others are just not acceptable at the moment. The only way I can prove to them that I can finish something I have started is by finishing with my current course and then become a doctor.

Unfortunately, right now, I want to be a chef. I want to drop out of my present course and go abroad to be in a culinary school. The truth is that I hate my course. The future perks might be nice but I just do not want to write an entry in the future saying how much I regret staying in my course. I am not even sure if I want to be a doctor. The only reason I’m staying is because I want to prove something. Haaay… this might be a sign of weakness in my part. I give in to the smallest of problems. But there is one thing that I know and it is that everything that I have discontinued, I have regretted. And that is all that I can say for now.