swallowing my pride

I don’t know. I just watched an interview yesterday where people were talking about letting go of everything material. They said that once you reach that level of maturity, you realize what true happiness really is. So, as usual, I had to think about it. I needed to reflect and find out how this is related to my life. And if ever it was related, how do I make sure that I find out what real happiness is.

I must have said this hundreds of times but I’m saying it again. I want to be a chef and I think it will make me happy. You must be telling me right now that I am stupid in taking up Biology and then ending up as a chef. Maybe I am but I do not think that I will regret it. Most of my life, I have been living to compete with other people. I compete because I found joy in being on top. You never reach a moment of satisfaction because you know that there is someone better than you and this makes you work harder.

I remember in my last year in high school when I was in the most competitive point of my life. I got honors every term, joined the lawn tennis varsity team, got top marks in long tests, got graduation honors, became part of the fair committee, became my class’ yearbook representative, and became a writer for the school magazine. My classmates even said that I was ‘lagi may ginagawa.’ It was all about being the best of every aspect of school. I wanted them all and I succeeded. But did it give me happiness? I believe that it did not. Yes, there have been perks to having done all those achievements but they were not enough to satisfy me. I remember that I kept on working everyday. I went home at six because of varsity practices and I had to go to school at six the next day. I was so busy to the point that I wanted to do everything. I did group projects by myself, spent time to read up in the library so that I can be prepared for the next lesson. It was tiring and when I think about it, I am slightly happy that I was able to do a lot in a year but it was not true happiness.

I got into college trying to let go of everything. I wanted to let go of this competitive spirit and just be happy. Somehow, I was able to do this. I did not join any organizations and I spend most of my time helping people out with whatever it is. Does this make me happy? It does. Fine, I never completely lost that spirit because I am in a course where people compete for the top prize: getting into the best medical school. The truth is, if I was given a choice, I would want to be in AB Communications. I would want to take that up and then become a Chef afterwards. That has been my dream but I never went for it because people thought that I would be wasting my ‘intelligence’ in a course such as Comm. Also, I chose my course because this is what returns the most money. Now, I realize that life is more than that.

I have found out that I can only find true happiness by being in Communications and becoming a chef afterwards. I do not need a lot of money. In fact, I just need enough to make me (and my future family… if ever) live through everyday life. I do not want the mansion and cars that I have often dreamed of. I just want a life of happiness and a life of contentment. I can only find that in communications and culinary arts.