Focus

Second guessing your decisions is a bad sign. It shows frailty in the human mind. And right now, that's the last thing I need. Tae. Focus.

reaching for the stars

Remember the saying 'Reach for the moon because if ever you fall, you land on the stars.' Well, that's bullshit.I now agree with my friend who believes that people should never expect. If you don't expect to get anything out of something, then you wouldn't feel bad if you don't get anything. On the other hand, if you expect then you don't gat anything out of it, then you'll just feel bad.

I remember my philosophy teacher telling me that being an optimist or a pessimist will not benefit a person. We should be realists and look at what is at hand. We should not look at what might happen in th future. Hay... to be a realist kills the joys of optimism... yet it saves you from the disappointments of optimism as well.

A year later...

I was listening to the soundtrack of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. It's just weird that even if that was almost a year ago, I can still remember most of the blocking and everything else. I remember that I found out I was getting the role I wanted when I was in Bolinao trying to start my thesis and looking for corals. It was exactly one year ago, I wasn't able to go to my friend's birthday party because I was at the beach. All four of us (B, M, and O) were nervous we wouldn't get the roles. And then the text came, WE GOT IN.

Two months later, I have performed in the play that would probably be my last. It was the play that I cannot get over and it was something I wanted everyone to watch. It was a play I was proud to share to everyone. I've worked with the best possible cast for that play.

... decision period ...

A year later, which is now, I'm sitting in front of my computer. I'm currently in med school. I gave up a lot of things for this. Sometimes, I still feel the urge to perform, be in front of people and share a story to them. There's a whole different feeling when you perform. I don't want to say I regret going to med school because I don't. It's just that it's hard to accept the fact that there are things that I could be doing but I had to sacrifice them to do some other thing. Sacrificing sucks. However... NO REGRETS.

bday schmurtday

A few days ago, I went to this birthday party and as usual I got drunk. That, however, is not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is this:

At the latter part of the party, the celebrant, who has become like a sister to me, started crying and saying things like 'you're leaving us na... we won't see you anymore... you'll be in med and you'll be too busy... you'll have a life as a doctor and you'll forget us.' Wouldn't that just kill you. Imagine your younger sister saying things like that to you. Damn. All I could do was hug her and tell her that everything she said wasn't true. Of course, we won't see each other that often but we will still see each other and I'll never forget her.

When I was interviewed for asmph, they told me that I wanted to please a lot of people. They said that in reality, we can't please everyone and there will be a lot of times when we'll be disappointed with the results. All I said to them in reply was this, 'I know that I will not always get the results I want, but the important thing is that I tried to achieve that result.' More often than not, when we try, we can get something that is close to what we wanted. It might not be the exact result, but at least we get something almost like that.

Trying is the best part of life because it is only when we try that we experience, we grow and we become more human. Nobody said that keeping friendships, being successful in your job, or having a good relationship with your family was easy. But that is the challenge, even if it isn't easy, we just have to try because getting half of what you wanted is better than getting nothing.

It ain't over

For the past few days, I have been trying to type on this blog in hopes of finding a way to end it. Unfortunately, for some reason which i cannot fathom, I always end up not finishing and just clicking the x-button-on-the-upper-right-hand-corner of the window. Then, a realization came to me.

The reason I cannot write an ending blog is that I get sad/depressed every time I get to the middle. I'd always be writing about how med school will be a new journey for me and how there will be different people. I was unhappy about the idea of losing friends (the closeness) because of proximity issues. After realizing this, another realization came to mind.

A few weeks back, when graduation ended, I texted my friends about how it has been a pleasure being friends with them blah blah. Then one of the replied that I was being senti and how things aren't over until he say it's over. This somehow made me realize that the power of keeping friendships is with me. I have to keep in mind that it isn't over until I say it's over. So there.

I won't be ending this blog because I don't wanna end anything. I don't want to lose the person that I was in college. It ain't over... it will never be.:)

finally, finality, fin

Once a decision is made, there's no turning back. That sense of finality brings forth feelings of loss. Loss of hope, options, and freedom. The loss sets you on this train track with only one destination.

I never wanted to make the decision. The sad thing about the whole thing is that once I was actually ready to make a decision, the options were not there anymore. There was only one path left and I had no choice but to take it.

Finality without the choice, for lack of a better term, sucks bigtime.

On a brighter note, I have decided to live with it. Fin.

and this is why...

david ong is one of my bestest friends. intro: we were talking about me choosing a med school.

Jay: hahah so
Jay: that leaves me with UST?
Jay: :))
Jay: as the first choice?
David: i don't know
David: i'm just helping you brainstorm
David: this is where i hop off
Jay: feel ko ust
Jay: :))
Jay: at least i hafta be back to my old high school self
Jay: kasi better competition
Jay: and you know me and competition
Jay: haha
David: yeah
David: there you have it
David: and if you do choose ust,
David: i'll tell you now - i'm impressed that you actually chose it over your friends.
Jay: wahahha damn
Jay: you just had to say that didn't you
Jay: hahahah
David: hahahaha
David: i have to be unbiased.
David: :p
David: or the antagonist
Jay: yeah that's why ur a good friend
Jay: u don't "support" me
Jay: :))
David: lol. what a way to put it.
David: thanks

dude, even if you're in canada, you never disappoint.

parting of ways

I have not blogged for some time now because I wanted my next entry to be about graduating. Technically, I have finished school a month ago but it took me this long to write something about graduation. Four years ago, I entered college hating the block I was in and thinking that maybe everyone was right. "College is nothing compared to High School; High School is the best four years of your life." I hated college and I hated the fact that I would be stuck in that hell for a few more years.

Along the way, I have met new friends. I had a tennis partner, I had two girl best friends, I had my dawg who will my brotha 'til the end, I had a barkada whose main goal is to dominate an organization, and most importantly I had a crew in my course which I consider family.

Little by little, things came into place and I have to say this, "College is better than High School by a million miles." I have had so many experiences in those four years that have made me grow as a person. I used to be this shy, introverted, goody-two-shoes little boy whose life was as routinary as a paper boy delivering newspaper. Now, if you know me, I am not that at all. I've learned so much from the people around me: wearing nice clothes, singing properly, acting properly, how to show emotions because it's okay. I've gained friends, lost them, fought with them, renewed friendships with them, and grew with them. College was about changes and it was about growing up as a person. It was one big relationship where each experience was something I had to learn from. Now, as Fr. Nebres said in his speech last night, I have to "set the world on fire."

Four years have ended and I'm going to miss a lot of things. I hate moving on because there is the stupid feeling of not knowing where to go once you have detached yourself from something. It's like you're boat and the anchor was lifted, now you just have to discover what the sea has to offer. I don't like that. I don't believe that you have to detach yourself to move on (yes, that was a mistake).

Last night, I would have cried if everyone cried. I would miss my crew (yes, I'm ste up 2 inspired) because I might not be in the same medical school as them. I just had to text them as a last thing to wrap things up. In my previous blogs I've always said that the only permanent thing in life is change. I don't want it to change. I want to hang out in people's houses, have iron chef battles, go to ocean park, have photo shoots, dance hip hop, drink a lot 'til we drop, talking about random stuff, and just being a group that has no awkwardness whatsoever. We never get OP with each other and that's the best part of this crew. I've had fights with these people and that's what makes my relationship with them much more important. Even with those obstacles, we survived and remained friends.

I guess that's what makes me believe that these people will be there 'til the end of my life just like family. I will grow up with them, struggle through med school (even if diff. med schools) with them, witness each other's weddings, baptisms and birthdays, do stupid stuff with them, and in the future, go to each other's house and reminisce about how today was a thing of the past.

Graduation is never a parting of ways. It is the start of a new journey which you and your friends will go through while riding a car and listening to road trip music and just having fun.

So am I going to miss college?! No friggin' way! I have med school and the rest of my life to experience those college experiences with the Kleek and mah Bio Crew. Let's burn this place down and set the world on fire. Pero, I just hafta say 'beach na 'to.'

failing

Failing is the worst thing that can happen to a person. But, failing other people seems to be worse than the worst. I have two dreams that just died last week. To add to that, I seem to have lost a friendship. People keep telling me that at least it's okay now. Still, in my mind, I know it's not okay and it's different now. I can't even look at the person straight in the eye because of fear that the person will look away so there'd be no communication of some sort.

Yes, my two dreams are non-existent anymore. Well, I can always try to revive it... but it doesn't eliminate the reality that I wasn't good enough. Despite all this, I'm more affected by that friendship that I lost.

At the end of the day, all I can do is take what I have and just work with it. I can always have dreams and pretend in my mind that I have my whole life worked out. Things always change and we have to live with it. I just wish that things could have gotten better. I'm in serious need of reflection time in a field with no one around me.

This week will be better. It better be or I'll just feel shittier than shit.

ms. lauryn hill in the house

"Miscommunication leads to complication" - Lauryn Hill

Was it one big miscommunication? I don't know the answer. I'm currently walking in the dark, not knowing what the situation is. As I told my friend a while ago, I think I know what I want... a goal. do we try to patch things up or do we just ignore each other? I just want to know the answer so I'd know how to act. Woohoo!

What I want? :D

As people, it is inevitable that we experience emotions. That is how the world is supposed to work. However, most of the time, we try to hide these emotions because we feel that they are not what we want others to see. We will always want to project a part of ourselves that would seem most pleasing. That is the moment when we start guarding ourselves and create the secret persona that we do not intend to have but have anyway.

Then you see that there are people worthy of seeing you for who you really are. People who you can show your true self to because you want them to be part of your life. The only problem with this is that there is emotional involvement. I think I can deal with that now. I'm willing to trudge through that path and hopefully I reach my destination.

So yeah, watch me be reflective. TAE

wrong decisions

after all this time, you realize you made the wrong decision.
that you weren't unhappy in it
there was just something happier at THAT MOMENT
but once that moment passes,
you realize you should have stayed being in that "unhappy" state
because in it, you were happy after all.

crap.

gametime

I talked with my friend the other day. I was telling him that I was getting more emotional recently and I didn't like it. Somehow, I knew I had to go back to being cold and heartless. My friend said it's stupid because you end up losing friends and the chance to have REAL friends.

Maybe he's right. But, I don't want to admit it because I want to be perfect and not feel abandoned. I'm not sure if the events yesterday would qualify me as a real friend. I think it did because it was really nothing. Hell, I had to lose my phone in the process. If ever there will be conflict, I guess I just have to start facing it and stop avoiding people. Gametime!

the week that was

Tuesday:
Drank with Pam in Drew's then Iggy joined us for dinner. LECHON PIZZA. Oh yeah, this was that day I had the courage to do something (but actually iggy texted it for me so it's his fault).

Wednesday:
Did the Puzzles. Jack's Loft with the Ratpack. Talked about whatever we can talk about. I think that's the life I want... just bumming and talking about anything with friends. Batch picture. Rory's. Had a beer. Study for Philo Orals... TAE!

Thursday:
Did Puzzles. Studied for Philo Orals. Weh! Anix and I were not able to make an outline for all the thesis statements so we depended on HOPE. Hope that we get to choose our own thesis statement. AND WE DID! BOOYEH! (celebratory dance!) Oh yeah we went to Drew's again. Pam. Mica. Me. Steven. Mica got drunk and PUKED! BWAHAHAHA!

Friday:
Had reporting for Physio about brain death. Did puzzles again. We reached puzzle 11. Iggy, I think we have VERY HIGH IQ's! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Then went to wall-climb with the other guy-girls of bio (stevo and piggy). It ain't a guy thing. It ain't a girl thing. It's a guy-girl thing. Additional 5 shots for all of us because of that stupid wall. BUT GUESS WHO AIN'T DRINKING GREEN DRAGONS (which stevo describes as nakakalasing, nakakasuka, and does not taste good). I was able to climb the wall on my second try so they get to drink that drink. :D

Then went to Drew's with Mica, Svet, Pam, Anix, Iggy, Steve, Berts, and Joey. I say, let's do it again. Went to Iggy's condo where we had good clean fun. Nyar! Dancing is strictly business, it ain't personal. Pretended I was mad at Iggy 'coz of spiciness. The jokes on you tae! Hehe!:p

Summary for the Week:
1. Puzzles
2. Drews
3. Dancing
4. Wall-climbing
5. Guy-girls
6. Ratpack
7. Friends
8. Fun
9. Freedom
10. Bragging

senior syndrome: starts now

Senior Syndrome. The two words I never thought would come, came. I don't like it.

Two more months. Tae. Tae. Tae. Foin, I'll think about it when it comes.

P.S. I'm not ready to talk about bluerep. The past few days have not been good experiences. I hanging by a thread and my patience is running out.

perfect days

Perfect days are fun. Today was a perfect day.

I had a long test which I think I got high in. I stayed in sec B with so much things to do. I went to Trinoma and was able to find the gift I would give. I went to rehearsals and had fun. I got the notes correctly. Everyone felt I deserved my role. No issues at all. No need for alcohol. This is the life.

I wish everyday was a perfect day. It's a good thing there are those people we call friends. They make perfect days much much better.

Saracasm really gets me through the day. I only believe in the last two sentences I wrote.

quitting and alcoholism

I have yet to make a final decision. Yesterday's reading was actually fun for me because I got to open my mouth. :-x

Anyway, pam and iggy told me not to quit since sayang. I kinda think so too... but then it is really different when you're already there. Things suddenly change. I know what will make me stay and what will make me go away. Next week, I will know.

On another note, people have been calling me alcoholic. I have heard it A LOT of times. I don't think I'm dependent on it... it's just that there have been a lot of opportunities for me to decrease the blood in my alcohol system.

It's fourth year anyway... I might as well have fun before med. school. Ohyeh!

i ain't happy

if you ain't happy with something, why bother doing it
it's a waste of effort and time
the past two days, i dragged my feet to rehearsals
i don't think it's healthy

in fact, this will entail less time with bio friends
and i don't think i'm ready for that
and yes, i didn't go to callbacks
and still they decided to get me
and this made me realize that there are people
who deserve it more
who have the passion to do it
i'm taking it for granted
i'm not happy
oh well

Quitters never win? I don't think I can quit something I never joined... technically.

commercial break

Warning: Cigarette Smoking is Dangerous To Your Health

Once you start it...

you get addicted
it consumes you
you consume it
you meet friends
you lose friends
it changes you
but you do not realize it
every puff is a breath of fresh air
every puff is a new experience

I'm stopping...

you experience withdrawal symptoms
you avoid people who also smoke
the urge to do it again gets to you
when you see others do it
total avoidance is the key

as much as i love it, i have to quit it. oh theatre.

oh mariah

She's a diva. I just saw this performance she had with other artists and she had to show off so that she'll be the star. I hate show-offs. That is the reason she is someone I do not want to perform with. She might be good but she will not let you be on equal footing with her. Oh Mariah. Now i know why they call you a diva.

I hope you realize people are annoyed when they see you. :D