unexpressive

It happened on a humid day. Truth be told, it was not really a humid day. I only said that because it was the expected feeling/weather after rain has poured on a hot day. I have just finished with my histology class and I went to the caf to be with some friends. So you have the usual chit-chat and then you eat and then you have another chit-chat and then at one point you just fall silent. No, it was not one of those awkward silences where everyone stops speaking because of a feeling of uneasiness with each other (that only happens when I am with people who I do not know). It just so happened that we did not have anything to talk about. When this happens, I usually go into my i-will-reflect-about-myself mode and this day was not an exception.

I was in front of the trash can and it suddenly came to me that I am not expressive. Now you can say that the trash can had a reflective effect on me. But fine, I wondered whether i was or was not expressive and then I asked the people whom I was with. For obvious reasons, they said i was not (I would not be writing this if they said that i was). I do not show how I feel for reasons that I did not know at the time I popped the question. But since I am in the computer lab and bored to death (that histology teacher should not dismiss me early in lab anymore), I will attempt to analyze myself. That might strike you as plain weird but I do not care. Hehe.

First of all, the main reason would be fear of rejection. Rejection in the sense that the person who you might be expressing a feeling to, does not really care. That would just suck right? So in a sense, I just want to be on the safe side. No risks included. You might not be gaining but at least you are not losing either.

The next reason I suppose would be independence. I am sure that eversince I was a kid, I always kept everything to myself. The most personal one could get with me would be in school. That was it. Everything was mainly academic. My routine at that time (I still remember feeling kind of bored about that routine) was go to school then go home. Then that was it every week. It had its benefits like good grades (then you get money after that) and all that jazz. But in the social aspect of life, I was not doing well (I do not want to say I was a loser but if you want to put it that way, go ahead. As if I can change your mind. Haha.). I relied on myself too much and even if I try to change now, there will still be a tinge of that independence.

Lastly, maybe I am comfortable with what I am right now. I do not have the need to express who I am because it is not me. Simple as that. It is not me. It is such a convenient excuse but I still think it holds true in my case. I just do not want to be an open book. I am who I am right now and I do not want to change. I am not afraid to change. It just so happens that I do not want to. I guess that is the end of it all (In other words, I am making a lousy excuse for my unexpressiveness).

I could not think of other reasons apart from these three. Maybe there are more but I do not think they are main reasons. Or maybe, I am too lazy to think up more excuses and write about them.

As it is with everybody, they hide a part of themselves because they are afraid to be judged. They want to their own world of status quo. Personally, I do not think it is bad because it is what makes us want to know other people more. We want to find out what mystery they have in them. My SA teacher once told me that people are naturally 'chismoso.' They want to know what people are doing or what people are talking about. If this was true, then I guess I am also right in saying that people naturally want to find out what mystery other people have.

So at the end of the day, my unexpressiveness is not at all bad. In fact, this is what makes me interesting. No, I am not justifying my unexpressiveness. It just so happens that I want to find something good in every aspect of a person's character. But then again, that is justifying right? Oh well. Whatever it is, I will be unexpressive for the moment. I have writing to express myself anyway. I am just amused at the fact that I can make my bad traits seem acceptable or even likable.