confused

I am confused. No, I am not confused in the figurative sense. Rather, it is in its literal aspect that i can apply myself. You see, I have not told most people about how I really feel about that girl I like. I do not know why I have to keep it to myself and yet I continue to do so. Even my closest friend doesn't even know about the real deal with me and that girl. I guess I am afraid to tell him that I will not be able to fulfill my end of the deal. I know I have 'failed' but in my viewpoint, it wasn't a total failure.

This girl I like has someone who is courting her. I, on the other hand, just stand by her side and wait for things to unfold without doing anything. 'Why not do something?,' you ask. Well you see, I am not ready. As much as I love every minute spent with her and everything about her, I am not looking for a girlfriend right now. I remember a friend telling me that college has embedded people with the notion that one should have a girlfriend in college. This notion is true and I am hoping to go against the tide. I am not going against the tide just to say that I am a non-conformist. It is simply because I am content with my present life. I don't want it to change at the moment. And I am sure it will change once I have committed myself to someone.

The pressure is killing me. Should I just let things go and watch them unfold in front of my eyes? Or should I make the move and tell her everything even if it results in rejection. There have been some people saying that I shouldn't be a wallflower and instead, just go for it. With my pride kicking in, I told myself that I will actually do it. Yet, I definitely know it is not time.

The first three paragraphs was what I had in mind two weeks ago. I have changed. I know what to do. The option for me is to wait and follow what my instincts tell me. It is not always about getting the girl early on because all the time, ending up with her is better. I am in no rush to do things. It is just a matter of being honest to myself (something I have a hard time doing).

I know she is the girl but the time is not right. I tell myself that she does not have me in her thoughts right now. If she is happy with that other guy (and it is what she truly wants), then I will be happy for her. I do not see this as a sign of weakness on my part because I believe that being honest to myself is the bravest action I have ever done. Things will be better in the future. That is what I will always put in mind because it is what will keep me from giving up.