Saturday, August 22, 2009

let's open the curtains for a minute here

Paulo Coelho, in his blog said, “At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”

Once in a while certain shifts start to happen and I'm reminded of why I do not usually attach myself to people. I was not brought up in an environment where saying you care for someone was normal. The way I was brought up was that achievements weighed more than feelings. In fact, feelings are not important at all. We do not talk about it because it's weird to talk about it.

The last time I said the word "I love you" to anyone (family, friend, or whoever) was when I was 14. I said it because I was forced to say it. I was in this youth camp thing and we were supposed to say it. I cringed.

For a long time, I never really got involved in the lives of the people around me. They were just around me. Then come college, I was somehow more involved with people. There were times I would tell myself that I needed to detach but somehow, my friends would tell me that was stupid. So I would always go back to not being totally detached. It had its benefits and it had its sucky moments.

Now, it feels like I am detached from people without having to make an effort. I am saddened by this fact... I think. I can count with a few fingers the people who make the extra effort to stay in touch. By effort, I do not mean occasional small talk. I mean daily small talk or occasional deep talks. I know some people who think the relationship has not changed when in fact it has. The other person still thinks that things are the same while the other has already given up.

I do not make the effort. I rely on others to make that effort because I do not like disappointment. I do not like to make that effort because I feel like I would not be getting my effort's worth. The people who know me... they do make that effort. They know I have too much pride. They are true friends. Right now, there would be a few. I will tell you that, that is not a sad number. Most people go on through life without even one. They just have people with them... people who are there because of convenience.

When asked the cheesiest line by an acquaintance, "Are you bestfriends?" I answer, "Er... uh... ewan." Then my friend says, "Obvious naman e." There was no need to expound. That was enough.

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