Friday, August 11, 2006

reflections on a friday night

Come to think of it, my philo classmates might think that I am an anti-God for trying to question His existence. But of course, I want to believe that I am doing it to strengthen my faith in him. Unfortunately, a lot of people have a hard time giving satisfying answers resulting in me having less faith than what little I used to have.

I do not have a strong faith when it comes to religion. Fine, I might be able to defend my own beliefs but that does not mean that I have a strong faith. There is this constant "growth" in my own beliefs that one time I believe in God and the next time, I wouldn't. Right now, I'm seriously the latter. I'll give you a better picture of what is happening.

A few months ago, I would pray in the chapel for a few minutes (even for just 5 minutes), talk with people about my faith, read the bible from time to time, and go to church every Sunday. But right now, I never go to the chapel, talk about my faith, read the bible (unless I am the prayer leader for theo), go to mass regularly. To add to that, I have been cursing a lot of times and drinking on a constant basis (although I can rationalize that).

Anyway, I just had to write it down because for the first time in months, I am relaxing on a friday night. Do I want to change? I do not know. I seriously do not know if it is worth it. I feel so heavy right now just thinking about this. Is it guilt? or maybe I just need to get used to it. Whatever it is, I have to find a conclusion soon.

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