Monday, November 28, 2005

to end it all

When you start something, you better finish it. That is something which I have never been able to succeed in, to finish something. Well, I actually got to finish academic requirements and have amazing results with them. But, if we are going to talk about achievements that do not have deadlines, I would say that I have never achieved something great at the moment. Every talent I have seems to be half-baked and that I feel is just plain sad.

Everything started when I was a kid who got everything. I was kind of a spoiled brat and I would have hated to be the parent of a younger me. But you see, one thing I explicitly remember bout my childhood is that I get bored easily. Every time I get a new toy, I would only play with it for a week or two and then we get on to the next toy. I even remember feeling guilty about not playing with the toys for more than two weeks and thinking that my dad might feel bad because I was not playing with the toys he gave me. So, what I did was try to pretend to still be interested with them every time he was looking.

So when I got into grade 3, I tried Taek-won-do out. My dad motivated me to take it since I wanted to fight with my brother anyway. I just went with it for three months and then I stopped. I hated the feeling of being barefoot and at that time, we trained on cement so it was really hard on the feet (especially for a kid). Then after a few years, I tried playing the piano and I only got up to grade 1. So that was not good either. Then you have tennis. Well, I got into the varsity team in my fourth year in high school but I quit as soon as I got injured. You can just see how easily I give up. I do not have passion in the things I did.

When I think about it, all the things I did, I only did because I wanted to get something out of it. It was never about me enjoying and wanting what I did. You see, I took up piano lessons to impress girls, and then tennis to become popular in school because I was finally a jock. But it was just about that. It was all about gaining something even If I did not like it. A simple case of the end having been able to justify the means, I should say.

But now I really know what I want because I have passion for these things. I want to play the piano because I want to play it. I want to play tennis because I want to play it. I want to take cooking lessons because I love cooking and eating. However, when I asked my parents if I can do these things again, they were not sure whether or not to let me continue. My dad told me long ago that I have a way of not continuing things that I have started. Fine, they let me continue tennis but the others are just not acceptable at the moment. The only way I can prove to them that I can finish something I have started is by finishing with my current course and then become a doctor.

Unfortunately, right now, I want to be a chef. I want to drop out of my present course and go abroad to be in a culinary school. The truth is that I hate my course. The future perks might be nice but I just do not want to write an entry in the future saying how much I regret staying in my course. I am not even sure if I want to be a doctor. The only reason I’m staying is because I want to prove something. Haaay… this might be a sign of weakness in my part. I give in to the smallest of problems. But there is one thing that I know and it is that everything that I have discontinued, I have regretted. And that is all that I can say for now.


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