lessons from movement

Movement is instigated by conflict.
Without an event of change,
Without a turning point...
We remain stagnant.

Still.

Art is the media for expression.
Without expression,
Feelings rot and disintegrate inside.
Movement releases everything.

Deconstruct. Construct.

Milestones

Once in a while we stop and think about what has happened to our life so far. We look back and follow our journey from the point of our first memory to the point of now. We see how we have grown as a person, how people have come in and out of our lives, how we influenced and were influenced by what's around us, and how we ended up in our current lives.

Important among these realizations is that we are individuals bounded by the milestones of our journey. The turning points in our lives are the milestones... these are the times when we embarked on new adventures. These are the times when we grow, our people change, influences happen, and our current life changes direction.

Milestones. These are the moments which we now realize are ingrained in us. The reason why the future is never sure. Turning points will always be there... it's just a mater of who and what you pack in your bag to remain with you for the upcoming journey.

inconsistent appreciation

There is a balance that the world tries to impose. It invokes a sense of instability, mystery, and uncertainty.

At one point, everything is up against you and nothing is working out.
At another point, everything is up for you and everything just seems perfect.

Most do not appreciate the wonder of this balance. Most would prefer the "perfect" side of life. What they do not know is that constant perfection lead to certainty. Certainty leads to stagnancy. It's as if you have stopped living.

Life has somehow imposed that balance make us continue to live... to make sure we appreciate the little things, the valuable people, and everything else that we are faced with.

"I have learned to appreciate the uncertainty of things... the sudden inconsistencies... because once i get back to my normal state, there is better appreciation."

pushing until fatigue strikes

intensity.

it's not about strength. it's not about the impact.
it's about the passion. it's about the will.

i think i know what's bothering me (at least a part of it)
when i do things i am passionate about, it shows.
when i do things i am not passionate about, it shows.

i thought about it yesterday and i realized something.
the things i did in high school were things that did not require the participation of other people. it was all about doing my task and doing it well.

if i train in tennis well, i will play tennis well.
if i write my articles well, i will have good articles.
if i attended fair and yearbook committee meeting regularly, i would do well.

i now realize why i don't like leading other people (the only exception would be theatre where everyone was intense). i easily get disheartened by the lack of passion. when i see people taking things for granted, i lose the drive to push through with something. it's like you give your all hoping the others will be influenced by your passion, but you just die every time you see that it is not working.

with all the things i have been doing, i slowly try to see whether certain things are worth pushing for. it's one of the things bothering me. maybe i am not meant to influence fish to walk on land.

and they said the world is full of possibilities. let my imagination remain intact.

break

recession (n.) - playlunch; morning tea; little lunch; break; interval

breathe in.

you are the cause of it all.
your life is another's life.
your death is another's death.
i love you for that and yet
i hate you for that.

this is a recession

let the world move.
i will stay here.
i won't get left behind.
'coz once i get on the go
i will catch up. wait.

breathe out.

let's open the curtains for a minute here

Paulo Coelho, in his blog said, “At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”

Once in a while certain shifts start to happen and I'm reminded of why I do not usually attach myself to people. I was not brought up in an environment where saying you care for someone was normal. The way I was brought up was that achievements weighed more than feelings. In fact, feelings are not important at all. We do not talk about it because it's weird to talk about it.

The last time I said the word "I love you" to anyone (family, friend, or whoever) was when I was 14. I said it because I was forced to say it. I was in this youth camp thing and we were supposed to say it. I cringed.

For a long time, I never really got involved in the lives of the people around me. They were just around me. Then come college, I was somehow more involved with people. There were times I would tell myself that I needed to detach but somehow, my friends would tell me that was stupid. So I would always go back to not being totally detached. It had its benefits and it had its sucky moments.

Now, it feels like I am detached from people without having to make an effort. I am saddened by this fact... I think. I can count with a few fingers the people who make the extra effort to stay in touch. By effort, I do not mean occasional small talk. I mean daily small talk or occasional deep talks. I know some people who think the relationship has not changed when in fact it has. The other person still thinks that things are the same while the other has already given up.

I do not make the effort. I rely on others to make that effort because I do not like disappointment. I do not like to make that effort because I feel like I would not be getting my effort's worth. The people who know me... they do make that effort. They know I have too much pride. They are true friends. Right now, there would be a few. I will tell you that, that is not a sad number. Most people go on through life without even one. They just have people with them... people who are there because of convenience.

When asked the cheesiest line by an acquaintance, "Are you bestfriends?" I answer, "Er... uh... ewan." Then my friend says, "Obvious naman e." There was no need to expound. That was enough.

Some thoughts on current changes

I really do not know what to think about the changes that have been happening. It's weird.

On one hand, I'm rekindling the old friendships that i have and I think it's actually better relationships now. Maybe maturity has caught up with us and there's more insight now. I'm glad I'm getting closer to these people... again. Good.

On the other hand, the current situation with these other people haven't been the same. Well recently, it's like we never really talk now. Wow. That's something. I guess work and other miscellaneous things have caught up with us and there's less time now.

It's just weird. I don't think it's lack of time. I think it's just... I don't know. I don't know what to say or think about it. Maybe we are proximity-based friends. Maybe.:)

heaven and hell

round 1. FIGHT!

a battle between mt. olympus and the underworld.

full force. collect as much power as you can. then fire it once it has reached its maximum power.

hit the opponent... the opponent who is your friend. he can block it anyway. you know each other too well.

and once the whole battle is over, you can both say, 'good game!'

once again everything is back to normal if not better. yes it is. no doubt.

Julius Caesar

In three words, William Shakespeare immortalized the essence of betrayal.

"Et tu, Brute?"

In three words, William Shakespeare showed the futility of that which has been tainted by treachery.

"Then, fall Caesar"

At the end of the day, it was not the knife that killed him. It was not the knife.

never tell you're guilty

from anyone: acting because of guilt
ex: you are attacked. someone or anyone sees. that person turns away. the person goes back. guilt.

from friends: acting because of love
ex. you are attacked. your friend sees. that person helps. love.

friends who go to you because they're guilty aren't your friends. remember that.

a tribute to tupac shakur

2pac, i get what you were saying. Your words were powerful ones. I need to live in Thug Mansion for a while.

this line is just great...

"Practicing medicine doesn’t lend itself well to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday we’re forced to know that life… every minute is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about… is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don’t bother even making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line… to push each loss as far away as we can." - Grey's Anatomy

I agree.

apology accepted and yet...

There is a need to apologize when we accidentally do something. However, there are no such things as accidents when it comes to our life decisions.

So, I don't believe that there should be apologies. We do things for a reason. And if we apologize because we chose to do them, then that is a sign that we do not know ourselves.

Once we choose, there will be consequences. Some good. some bad. But deep inside, we wish there would be more good. But if ever that is not the case, our only option is to deal with it and continue on with life.

As much as the apology is accepted, things have already changed.

the truth is...

I'm really annoyed. It's okay to not go for the right reasons. We would have understood. But no, you just had to lie. Now, I will not go to Boracay. I don't think I can stand hanging out with you guys for a few months. I just made the birthday as an excuse. Tomorrow I will pretend everything is alright. That's how we roll. Grrr...

immortality

to be left behind is a sad prospect.

happiness comes your way
people move on to something different
you remain in your own happiness
or what used to be happiness

that is the price of immortality...

now i remember why...

got back from an out of town trip with the relatives. now i remember why i hated going to these trips.

the only fun parts were those parts where i talked with cousins while drinking, i swam and played ping pong and billiards with them, and talking to my little nephews. apart from that... never again.

just a reminder for myself in case i am asked to go to these trips again.

too many things

I told my friend, "i wanna be a chef. :|" in a joking-yet-not-joking way.

"FOLLOW YOUR HEART! Bwahaha! I just realized how medicine makes you realize how there's so much more you want to do. I mean, not necessarily in a bad way that makes you want to quit, but parang you want to have your cake and eat it too if you know what I mean. :p"

When my friend replied to me... I didn't know what to say. It has been bugging me since the end of first sem. It felt as if I really don't like what I'm doing right now. The passion isn't there.

I don't want to tell people about it because they'd just think it's one of those phases that every med student goes through. But I know it's not. It's hard to reconcile two things that are totally on different ends of the spectrum. I just need to find my passion for this.

This is the problem with wanting to achieve so many things... you become a jack of all trades and a master of nothing. But who cares... at least i'm multi-talented. beh!

sembreak jampack

1. halloween party. iea, berto and i have decided to impose BPGR.:D
2. vigan was fun. spent four days in that spanish-ish city with mis amigos. yahoo! got to eat a lot of weird food and i am missing the empanada. damnit.
3. party with ab psych peeps. got to meet new people.:D investing na 'to and expanding horizons! haha.
4. practiced for a.i. caught up with kuh-leek fuh-riends.
5. lazer tag didn't push through. next time.:D
6. shindig! saw old friends and reintroduced some friends... hahaha.
7. palarong med. 3rd place badminton. yey team.
8. chris brown concert. woohoo.

p.s. the theme for the break was 'if ayaw mo, huwag.' bwahaha. we realized that we had more fun when we didn't care if other friends didn't go or if they are not enjoying activities. as long as the core is there, fun will always be there. no drama baybeh!:)

p.p.s. all in all, this break was eventful.:) it revealed a lot about the state of certain things and certain measures were made to adjust to those changes. good job.:D

off to neverland

this must have been how peter pan felt. everyone seems to be changing... by that i mean growing up. on the other hand, i remain in my child-like life ready to face the world with pride and nonchalance.

it must have been sad for peter pan when he realized that everyone was growing up and he cannot relate to them anymore. but then again, at the end of the day, the choice of remaining to be fun and carefree must have been a good decision. yes, it is inevitable that other people will change but one can still be comforted by the idea that there will be a few who will remain the same.

im going to vigan with my two peter pan friends. they are the last remaining peter pans in the world i know... and we're now off to neverland.

monologues

"They don't yet know that the good don't always win, so there's nothing you can say to cheer them up when they lose. I want to tell them disappointment doesn't last, but from what i've seen disappointment lasts like hell." - Mitch Mahoney (Putnam County Spelling Bee)

If I read this today, it would have had much more sense to me since i finally figured out what it means.

"Bad things do happen. Happiness in the face of all... that's not the goal. Feeling horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings. That's the point." - Grey's Anatomy

So I guess this answers Mitch Mahoney's monologue.