failing

Failing is the worst thing that can happen to a person. But, failing other people seems to be worse than the worst. I have two dreams that just died last week. To add to that, I seem to have lost a friendship. People keep telling me that at least it's okay now. Still, in my mind, I know it's not okay and it's different now. I can't even look at the person straight in the eye because of fear that the person will look away so there'd be no communication of some sort.

Yes, my two dreams are non-existent anymore. Well, I can always try to revive it... but it doesn't eliminate the reality that I wasn't good enough. Despite all this, I'm more affected by that friendship that I lost.

At the end of the day, all I can do is take what I have and just work with it. I can always have dreams and pretend in my mind that I have my whole life worked out. Things always change and we have to live with it. I just wish that things could have gotten better. I'm in serious need of reflection time in a field with no one around me.

This week will be better. It better be or I'll just feel shittier than shit.

ms. lauryn hill in the house

"Miscommunication leads to complication" - Lauryn Hill

Was it one big miscommunication? I don't know the answer. I'm currently walking in the dark, not knowing what the situation is. As I told my friend a while ago, I think I know what I want... a goal. do we try to patch things up or do we just ignore each other? I just want to know the answer so I'd know how to act. Woohoo!

What I want? :D

As people, it is inevitable that we experience emotions. That is how the world is supposed to work. However, most of the time, we try to hide these emotions because we feel that they are not what we want others to see. We will always want to project a part of ourselves that would seem most pleasing. That is the moment when we start guarding ourselves and create the secret persona that we do not intend to have but have anyway.

Then you see that there are people worthy of seeing you for who you really are. People who you can show your true self to because you want them to be part of your life. The only problem with this is that there is emotional involvement. I think I can deal with that now. I'm willing to trudge through that path and hopefully I reach my destination.

So yeah, watch me be reflective. TAE

wrong decisions

after all this time, you realize you made the wrong decision.
that you weren't unhappy in it
there was just something happier at THAT MOMENT
but once that moment passes,
you realize you should have stayed being in that "unhappy" state
because in it, you were happy after all.

crap.

gametime

I talked with my friend the other day. I was telling him that I was getting more emotional recently and I didn't like it. Somehow, I knew I had to go back to being cold and heartless. My friend said it's stupid because you end up losing friends and the chance to have REAL friends.

Maybe he's right. But, I don't want to admit it because I want to be perfect and not feel abandoned. I'm not sure if the events yesterday would qualify me as a real friend. I think it did because it was really nothing. Hell, I had to lose my phone in the process. If ever there will be conflict, I guess I just have to start facing it and stop avoiding people. Gametime!

the week that was

Tuesday:
Drank with Pam in Drew's then Iggy joined us for dinner. LECHON PIZZA. Oh yeah, this was that day I had the courage to do something (but actually iggy texted it for me so it's his fault).

Wednesday:
Did the Puzzles. Jack's Loft with the Ratpack. Talked about whatever we can talk about. I think that's the life I want... just bumming and talking about anything with friends. Batch picture. Rory's. Had a beer. Study for Philo Orals... TAE!

Thursday:
Did Puzzles. Studied for Philo Orals. Weh! Anix and I were not able to make an outline for all the thesis statements so we depended on HOPE. Hope that we get to choose our own thesis statement. AND WE DID! BOOYEH! (celebratory dance!) Oh yeah we went to Drew's again. Pam. Mica. Me. Steven. Mica got drunk and PUKED! BWAHAHAHA!

Friday:
Had reporting for Physio about brain death. Did puzzles again. We reached puzzle 11. Iggy, I think we have VERY HIGH IQ's! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Then went to wall-climb with the other guy-girls of bio (stevo and piggy). It ain't a guy thing. It ain't a girl thing. It's a guy-girl thing. Additional 5 shots for all of us because of that stupid wall. BUT GUESS WHO AIN'T DRINKING GREEN DRAGONS (which stevo describes as nakakalasing, nakakasuka, and does not taste good). I was able to climb the wall on my second try so they get to drink that drink. :D

Then went to Drew's with Mica, Svet, Pam, Anix, Iggy, Steve, Berts, and Joey. I say, let's do it again. Went to Iggy's condo where we had good clean fun. Nyar! Dancing is strictly business, it ain't personal. Pretended I was mad at Iggy 'coz of spiciness. The jokes on you tae! Hehe!:p

Summary for the Week:
1. Puzzles
2. Drews
3. Dancing
4. Wall-climbing
5. Guy-girls
6. Ratpack
7. Friends
8. Fun
9. Freedom
10. Bragging

senior syndrome: starts now

Senior Syndrome. The two words I never thought would come, came. I don't like it.

Two more months. Tae. Tae. Tae. Foin, I'll think about it when it comes.

P.S. I'm not ready to talk about bluerep. The past few days have not been good experiences. I hanging by a thread and my patience is running out.

perfect days

Perfect days are fun. Today was a perfect day.

I had a long test which I think I got high in. I stayed in sec B with so much things to do. I went to Trinoma and was able to find the gift I would give. I went to rehearsals and had fun. I got the notes correctly. Everyone felt I deserved my role. No issues at all. No need for alcohol. This is the life.

I wish everyday was a perfect day. It's a good thing there are those people we call friends. They make perfect days much much better.

Saracasm really gets me through the day. I only believe in the last two sentences I wrote.

quitting and alcoholism

I have yet to make a final decision. Yesterday's reading was actually fun for me because I got to open my mouth. :-x

Anyway, pam and iggy told me not to quit since sayang. I kinda think so too... but then it is really different when you're already there. Things suddenly change. I know what will make me stay and what will make me go away. Next week, I will know.

On another note, people have been calling me alcoholic. I have heard it A LOT of times. I don't think I'm dependent on it... it's just that there have been a lot of opportunities for me to decrease the blood in my alcohol system.

It's fourth year anyway... I might as well have fun before med. school. Ohyeh!

i ain't happy

if you ain't happy with something, why bother doing it
it's a waste of effort and time
the past two days, i dragged my feet to rehearsals
i don't think it's healthy

in fact, this will entail less time with bio friends
and i don't think i'm ready for that
and yes, i didn't go to callbacks
and still they decided to get me
and this made me realize that there are people
who deserve it more
who have the passion to do it
i'm taking it for granted
i'm not happy
oh well

Quitters never win? I don't think I can quit something I never joined... technically.

commercial break

Warning: Cigarette Smoking is Dangerous To Your Health

Once you start it...

you get addicted
it consumes you
you consume it
you meet friends
you lose friends
it changes you
but you do not realize it
every puff is a breath of fresh air
every puff is a new experience

I'm stopping...

you experience withdrawal symptoms
you avoid people who also smoke
the urge to do it again gets to you
when you see others do it
total avoidance is the key

as much as i love it, i have to quit it. oh theatre.

oh mariah

She's a diva. I just saw this performance she had with other artists and she had to show off so that she'll be the star. I hate show-offs. That is the reason she is someone I do not want to perform with. She might be good but she will not let you be on equal footing with her. Oh Mariah. Now i know why they call you a diva.

I hope you realize people are annoyed when they see you. :D

stumbling on insights

I was browsing through the different channels on my boob tube and came upon 'devil wears prada' on hbo. I just find that this movie has a lot of insights and up to now, I still get insights from it.

Anyway, I got four different invitations to go to the shindig today but I had decline all of them (there was a point i wanted to go, but then realized i didn't). If this was a year ago, I would have said yes and just go for it and get myself drunk in a public place until unfortunate events start happening to me. Well, that was a year ago and now, I think it's really different. I'm not into the events/party thing anymore. All you do there is show up and hope that a lot of people see you because that's the main reason for these parties. YOU HAVE TO BE SEEN! It's all about superficiality.

Another insight I got was somewhat related to my career. I started college knowing that I'd go into med school. Then, I enter an org and I started rethinking my steps. For a moment, I wanted to give up medicine forever to the point that I even hated my own course. And now, it seems as if everything is starting to make sense. If you watched the movie, the girl started her job wanting it for experience until she gets sucked into the little community of superficiality and her whole life starts crumbling. I feel like I'm experiencing the same thing. Ever since I got into theatre, my grades have been suffering and I have lost some friends (although I also gained some) because i was too busy or because my expectations of people have gone up or maybe because I lost the ability to trust. There was this constant drive to excel and be the top (not bad if it didn't hurt others).

Oh well, I'm out of that now and it's time to move on. I need to mend some past mistakes and focus on this "new" career. I was so caught up in that world and i forgot to anchor myself. The movie showed how true happiness can be found when one starts to be who he is. I am who i am and sometimes I am tempted to be someone else. There are times I succumb to it and there are times I don't. But, the most important thing, as it is in life, is the ability to shake yourself up and make sure you are still grounded.

wall climbing and stuff

I wall climbed with Karen, Iea, Mica, and Iggy a while ago. Svet was there to look at us and LAUGH AT ME. So I was able to do the other ones until I got to this part where the wall was slanted and the rocks did not have those holes for the hands. So yeah thanks for my aching arms. I also tried to do the super hard one and watch me let go of the wall and swing like a monkey in mid-air. Thanks to Iggy, who did not want to baley me down, for letting me hang there for a longer time than usual. Dang. Hahaha. It was fun. Next week again hopefully. Yehey!

I also had a meeting for caroling which I wanted to leave because it was in the org room. Watch me squirm in the room which I dread the most. Remember: I want to dissociate myself from the org but not my friends namely the Kleek and a few certain people (i shall not mention people because some peeps might get jealous). Anyway, I had a meeting for the bio sportsfest after ditching the caroling (sorry oli, i'm helping... promise!). I was suggesting stupid games for the sportsfest but I don't care. Nyahaha.

I had dinner with Pam and Iggy after at Max's then Starbucks. We were just talking about tv shows, med school, and KAMOTE. sabaw! It was fun though. To med school people... here we go... ohyeh!

P.S. My arms can't feel a thing right now. Thanks wall climbing. Yey!

time to move on

Finally, I have reached a final decision. The past few years/months/days, I have always been debating whether to pursue theatre or pursue medicine. I've written so many entries about the clash between arts and medicine and I have even used it to discuss certain topics in Philosophy classes. And now, I know what I want. I can't help but smile whenever I think of the fact that I'm decided. I want to be a doctor and I will do whatever it takes to reach that. Wow, I'm actually decided. I can't friggin' believe this.

I was talking to my friends and I realized I wanted to be with my biology friends. I will really die if i see them as doctors while I scavenge for rackets in hopes of surviving. At the start, I did not want it at all but now I do. I've been finishing all my application forms because I'm passing them on the DEADLINE... not all of them but at least a good number. I'm so ready for med school. Time to party friends! Kidding! You promised I'd be your anesthesiologist. I better be that person, you fools! I'm fun. Wahahaha!:p

If you're wondering if I will still be active in my org (which I shall not name), I will be but not as active as before. I realized that I have to let go of it and the only thing important for me in that org were certain people (a few I should say) who I consider real friends. Let's scrap competition and being plastic. I can finally be myself and enjoy being me without having to wander in that world. Theatre has taught me a lot of things which I would not be able to learn if I was not immersed in that world. I really appreciate being in that org but there are time we just need to let go. I know I will miss it but this time, it has to be goodbye.

There are always opportunities for that and it may not be exactly in theatre form but it's still singing or performing. Hehe.

my current albums: part 1

This past sembreak, it's either I'm out drinking and eating (doing the bym and jay show too), watching a movie, or in front of the computer downloading albums and t.v. shows. And I think, 70% of the time, I'm doing the latter. Woohoo!. So I might as well put a list of the albums I've been listening to. This is the shiznit people.

I'll go out of a limb here and put not 5 albums but 6 just because I do not want to conform. Hahaha feeling. Here's the first 3.

1. Keyshia Cole - Just like You
- This album is the one that's currently on repeat in my iTunes. Yeba! I have heard a song from Keyshia before where she collaborated with Alicia Keys and it was a'ight. But then I didn't bother to download the rest of the songs because I haven't really heard her sing solo. So my friend told me to download her album. I did. I think it's very good. It has a fresh twist to the new beats of hiphop/r&b. It has a combination of fast songs and slow songs as well. The thing about this one is that i felt her more when I saw her interview in Tyra. Keyshia rocks. Download this now. Go! Listen to 'Let it Go,' 'Falling Out,' 'I Remember,' 'Just Like You,' 'Losing You.' So why didn't I just include everything. Haha.

2. Mary J. Blige - The Breakthrough
- I know this is really ages ago but I never got the time to download it since I've been so focused on downloading Broadway songs (blech!). Thank you sembreak for giving me back my normal music. Who can beat Mary J. Blige's album? She's just great. I'm actually surprised she didn't get the Grammy for Record of the Year because I personally think she deserved it. Anyway, this new serving of Mary J. Blige's is also one of the albums on my current playlist. It rocks. Download this too! I'm serious! Go now! Listen to ALL SONGS. HAHAHA. I can't wait for her next album.

3. Ne-Yo - Because Of You
- You'd think that this is another of those hiphop/r&b albums out there that sound the same since they usually have the same vibe. But no no no no no, this one is actually different yet the same. I can't explain it but I like the fact that this album is sing-able. Yes, I do sing with it so shut up. Hahaha. Anyway, I think this is a good album especially the song where Jennifer Hudson and Ne-yo have a duet. 'Leaving Tonight' is the title my friends. I have been reeating the song OVER AND OVER. 'Nuff said.

will never watch shutter again

So, my good friend has been telling me to watch 'Shutter' by downloading it. In fact, he even sent me a link where I can download the movie. Well well well cowbell, I didn't even click the link because I did not want to watch it. The thing is, if ever I was going to watch it, I would be alone in my room and I would probably freeze to death on my seat while watching it. I have decided that it would be better not to watch it.

Today, I had the opportunity to finally watch it. I would not call it a 'golden opportunity' since I find it hard even to call it an 'opportunity.' But seeing that it is a chance for me to finally see what I have been scared of, FINE, let's call it an opportunity.

Scenario:
I closed the blinds and locked the doors. I lean on a wall so nothing will surprise attack me (you never know right). I make sure the lights are open. then I start watching. So yeah... I got pretty scared A LOT of times since I'm ALONE. TAE. Here's the best part.

While the movie was at it's peak, the lights go out and guess what... BROWNOUT.
WATCH ME SCAMPER TO A CORNER AND OPEN MY CELLPHONE FOR LIGHT. But then, I did not want to see unexpected things so I decided that NO CELLPHONE LIGHT was better. For the first time in many years, my imagination has created the scariest monsters (so I still call them monsters after all) it can create in a span of 10 minutes. Nakatatakot sa dilim lalo na kapag nanonood ka ng nakatatakot na pelikula...

P.S. I will never finish 'Shutter' unless I watch it with other people. Bow.

just 'coz i'm so cool

Yes, I have been playing Onimusha Tactics for 24 hours and counting. I'm so cool... NOT!

On another note, I just found out that my friend since first year who I recently had a falling out with, has decided to make me permanently offline in his ym. So much for friendship. I'm over it now, we just have to move on with life because that is how life is. People change and we have to adapt. It's the law of nature and the best thing we can do is just live with it. i can't hate him because it was my fault why we're not talking anymore. Oh well cowbell

Bow.

P.S. To Caliraya or to Subic. It all depend on one person. If she goes or not. Package deal time peeps.

I need a mechanic

Someone needs a lot of fixing and that person is me. Shet, something is really wrong. I finally have my sembreak but the drive to go out isn't there. Well, at least for this week, that's the case. We were supposed to wallclimb but I had to back out because I was really feeling heavy. As in emotionally heavy. Then I was supposed to go to subic but since I'm so good, I won't be going anymore. There are a lot of things to do this week but I won't be going because I want to seperate myself from the world.

I need to fix myself before anything disastrous happens. My attitude in the past few days isn't me at all. I hate this. Damn you big prod.

Sabaws 'R Us

Here are a few sabaw moments that are blog worthy. I wish I wasn't sabaw... NOT! Fun eh!

So we had lunch at world topps and we were on our way to starbucks when:

Annabelle: I think I'd want to join a musical workshop before auditioning for prods.
Bym: Same lang yun e!
Jay: (in a serious tone) Ano ba Annabelle, the best EXPERIENCE is TEACHER.
(after a few seconds)
Everyone: (laughs)
Annabelle: Sige I'll go to National muna... meet you guys in Starbucks.
(annabelle leaves)
Jay: Haha. Tanga ko, the best experience is teacher.
Bym: Oo nga, ano ba dapat? TEACHING?
(laughter from both)

During a Party:

Jay: Okay, pwede na magyosi bukas.
Lawrence: Oo nga, since DOT DOT DOT
Bym: Ano ung DOT DOT DOT
Jay: Gets mo naman yun e
Lawrence: Nagprepretend yan na 'di niya gets
Bym: 'Di ko gets and I don't want to get it
Jay: Cge, if you get it pero you're pretending not to get it, then crush mo si (insert name of person).
Bym: Ay KA-
(I think he was supposed to say kadiri until we saw that the person was a meter away from us)
Jay: Holy Shit!
Oli: Jay, pwede ka na mamatay. Ligawan mo na si (insert name of person).
Jay: I want to disappear right now.

So yeah, this is what you get from sabaw people like us. Hahahaha.