after rehersal events

Today, I got home at 7. Yes, 7 in the morning. Why? Because we went out after rehearsals. The after rehearsals dinner and drinking was fun because I finally got to bond with my castmates outside of rehearsals. You realize that these people do the same things that you do (which makes it more fun) and it's funny you only meet them later in life. And you know that moment when you tell yourself that you wanna hang out more with these people because you guys seem to click. Well, I think it happened again to me. The most fun part is when, after all the drinking and dancing, we just stayed at one of our friends' house and chilled there. We were just playing board games/singing to different songs and waiting for the sun to shine. Haha. It was really cool that we were just at the third floor of the house with nobody in the house except us. I'm sure there would be more nights like that. It really had a fun time.

But for this entry, I just want to point out the realization of constantly finding new friends and how nothing is permanent. Fine, you get to keep some of them but you never get to keep all of them. But would it still be the same if it is not complete? Maybe it is. I want to believe it is. I do not want to write such realizations because I don't want the idea of impermanence to be permanent.

conversations

Recently, I haven't had any decent conversations with people. I do have little bits of chit-chat with people but that is it. Nothing deeper than the trivial stuff you usually hear from people on a normal 'let's talk for fun' day. It's as if each day of my life is wasted in a routinary life where I have to talk to people in a getting-to-know-you stage. I do not know if you would get me but that is what I am feeling right now. It's like I'm this person who has so many things to say but I do not have anyone to say it too. I blame circumstance for that. The people I usually talk to about these things have been super busy or have moved out of the country (which means less conversation time).

I guess it is the cycle of relationships. You meet people and have pseudo-deep relationships with them until it is time to move on again. Then you have to meet new people again. It is tiring and tedious.

I need conversation so I wouldn't have to talk inside my mind.

First musical play

In one month, I'm going to debut in my first real play ever. Fine, I did class plays and the like but this play is different. No grades or teachers. Just pure performance for the sake of performing. I would have not imagined myself being part of any play because I was never really into performing in front of people. And calling me a thespian would be comparable to calling roger federer a sucky tennis player.

Anyway, I'm excited about the play and I'm glad I did it. I love the play, I love the people I'm working with (very important), and I love what I'm doing. For the first time in my college life, I'm doing something. I didn't quit! Booya! Hope to see you guys there. This play is really nice. :)

I'll tell you the details next time. :)

reflections on a friday night

Come to think of it, my philo classmates might think that I am an anti-God for trying to question His existence. But of course, I want to believe that I am doing it to strengthen my faith in him. Unfortunately, a lot of people have a hard time giving satisfying answers resulting in me having less faith than what little I used to have.

I do not have a strong faith when it comes to religion. Fine, I might be able to defend my own beliefs but that does not mean that I have a strong faith. There is this constant "growth" in my own beliefs that one time I believe in God and the next time, I wouldn't. Right now, I'm seriously the latter. I'll give you a better picture of what is happening.

A few months ago, I would pray in the chapel for a few minutes (even for just 5 minutes), talk with people about my faith, read the bible from time to time, and go to church every Sunday. But right now, I never go to the chapel, talk about my faith, read the bible (unless I am the prayer leader for theo), go to mass regularly. To add to that, I have been cursing a lot of times and drinking on a constant basis (although I can rationalize that).

Anyway, I just had to write it down because for the first time in months, I am relaxing on a friday night. Do I want to change? I do not know. I seriously do not know if it is worth it. I feel so heavy right now just thinking about this. Is it guilt? or maybe I just need to get used to it. Whatever it is, I have to find a conclusion soon.

oil and water

Just as much as oil doesn't mix with water, i don't mix with jazz dancing. I had dance rehearsals a while ago and it was really weird for me. The feeling of having to do ballet-like moves were so awkward. Boo.

Anyway, I have this feeling that I would get a sucky role because I wouldn't be able to go to tuesday and thursday rehearsals because of my philo class. Oh well, as of now, everything is a learning experience. Obviously that would the case for me since I have no experience in theatre at all. Wahaha. I'll just give my best in each task. Remember, everything is a test. Yuck... that sounded like some local reality show.

rainy days make me feel fine

Sometimes, it's not always about being happy. There are times when you just have to sit down on the couch and be sad. I don't know. When I am happy, I start to forget everything. I am caught in the moment and that moment is the only thing I am thinking about. But when I am sad, I become sentimental. I remember a lot of things and I start to think about everything sentimental I can think of (from memories to relationships with people). I love being sentimental. It makes me want to write.

stepping it up

Some people really take it hard when they fail. I am one of these people. For almost all my life, I have succeeded in almost everything I went to. By that, I mean everything that I was actually passionate about. But when college came, everything changed. I have failed in a lot of long tests to the point that I have become numb about it. Then as for the varsity teams, I haven’t been as successful as I was used to. Was I losing my competitive edge? Was I becoming… uhhh… normal?

Fortunately, I have been succeeding in the musical aspect of my life. I never took that aspect of my life seriously because I was not confident about it. I was so embrassed to sing in front of people. But after two auditions (ACGC and Bluerep), I think I’ve got it. I quit the ACGC because I was not into the music they were singing. Then a year after, I got into Bluerep. I feel that my voice is more stable and it’s time. I’ll show everyone that I am not a quitter.

Auditions are on Wednesday. I feel like I want to throw up every time I think about it. Waaaah… it’s make or break time. I need to step it up.

chill

I cannot wait for the sembreak to come. No more lessons to study and I'm just going to go out and have fun every night. Well, there are possibly a few outings and I can't wait for it. Sembreak, where are you when I need you.

Anyway, today was supposed to be one of the hellish days of my third year life. Well, it was. I had a tough time in my embryo LT and the next classes were not doing well either. If I fail my embryo LT then it means I have to study, if not then I would continue what I am doing. Oh well, I am bound to hit some road bumps sooner or later in this journey of mine. But of course, my 'Chill Lang' philosophy is here to stay. Booya!

On another note, I saw some high school friends a while ago and I realized how I actually miss them. One of them sat sa bench and we got to talk a while. It seems they're going to join the IAC. I hope they win. Anyway, I miss my high school friends. We rarely go out. Shucks.

start of something new

I got into bluerep and the GA was really fun. Everyone was dressed up as a kid and there were (as far as I know) any killjoys. For the first time in my college life, I attended a GA and I did not have any feeling that I wanted to quit. This is definitely something I want and right now (since I'm new to this), everything is a learning experience.

Also, something new I've experienced is crabmentality. I have always thought the better of people by not believing in such concepts. There's this guy who told other people that the judges stopped in the middle of my song during the audition. I think he was trying to make me look like someone who sucked in his auditions. He was rooting for his friend (who sadly didn't make it). Well, let's just say he was totally wrong 'cause I did. Then, when I told him about the fact that I got in. He started telling people I was being arrogant and all that. He's just one bitter bastard. I'm calling him asphalt face from now on. Argh.

Why do people have to be negative about the success of others?

Anyway, thanks to my bestfriend Melinda for the future CD's. I shall listen to them the whole day again. Hehe.

my ym list tonight

Okay, right now, there are 36 people who are currently online in my ym list and 2 of those I am permanently invisible too. It's just weird that even if there are a lot of them online, I could not really think of anything to talk about with them. There's just nothing significant to talk about. I mean, I know I can talk to them but I also know that it will only last for a few minutes.

I guess most of these people are the ones who I befriended and then let it stop at that. These are the people who I say 'hi' to and then say a few lines like 'you still have class?' or 'where are you going?' Then, they would reply and we would walk towards our destinations. At the end of the day, there are only a select few who we can really talk to just because... These are the people who are our closest friends. The chosen few who we trust with the stories of our lives.

Now, I shall pick people to talk to even if I know they'll bore me. Hahaha.

dilemmas coming from yesternight

When everything you are doing seems to go against the beliefs that you want to follow, you come to a realization that your beliefs might not really be for you. It is highly probable that you are denying yourself the opportunity to be the real you. You struggle to change yourself just to fit into those beliefs. For a certain amount of time you are able to succeed by fitting into it. But after some time, the old circumstances start to creep in. You suddenly go back to your old actions. And then, you realize it was occuring too many times for it to be considered a coincidence.

A friend told me that maybe it is happening for us to see how far we've crossed and to let us discover what we are supposed to do about it.

I know I have crossed the line yesternight. I did something that I have never done since three years ago. Now, what am I supposed to do with it? Will I continue because this is what I believe I am? Will I stop just to fit into those beliefs?
I started this entry knowing the answer to that. But I don't want to regret my decision by writing it and making it pseudo-permanent ('coz I can delete it anytime).

I am struggling...

so what now?

When the goals that you have have wanted to achieve for yourself disappear, you realize how shallow you are. You had a lot of mini-goals for yourself but never had an ultimate goal. Then, you suddenly feel empty. It's as if your recent past and future is one strip of film that would connect each other where each frame is the same. The only option for you then is to cut the film again and connect it to something better. If not, your whole life would be one big repitition.

So what now?

I need an ultimate goal soon. I am bored with just about everything.

poem of a stranded dude

I cannot believe I was tricked by those fools
who said it is hard to live alone.
I am stranded and yet, I am happy.
The only things I need are the basics.
No people to put pressure on what I do.
I do not need to dress to impress or
to socialize to expose me to a world full of sadness.
I wish no one saves me.

P.S. I finally have my own island.

a struggle for survival

I need to pour out the negative emotions I have,
So I try to write to release it from my system.
But it never helps because I am constricted
by the rules that come with writing.
It is that or I am constricting myself
by making it seem like there are rules to writing.

I need to get out
of myself.
Help.

alcohol

It's funny when you experience moments which you never imagined you would be experiencing. You make fun of those people who make fools of themselves because they have just taken in so much. But when you are the one doing it, it does not seem that stupid at all. You have fun, you loosen up, and you dance to the beat. The taste itself makes me want more of it. Then, that feeling of being buzzed just makes it much more sweeter.

I have been drinking non-stop and I am currently on a hiatus. I plan to do it for at least two weeks. I had a bad experience lately and I just do not plan for it to happen again. I think I am no alcoholic. I hope I am thinking right because I need to control it.

you brought this upon yourself

I have a three-page letter waiting for you. Just tell me if you're brave enough to read it. I take back what I said. It was not just my fault because it was your fault as well. I also do not want to be civil.

I suggest that you pretend that I do not exist for you because you do not exist for me. You will only exist if there is no other option. I doubt that this will ever be fixed because you made the issue grow. You just made it your fault.

three straight days

Okay, I've had three straight days of inuman sessions with people and I like it. The first was when two friends of mine were bored enough to stay in the parking lot for 30 minutes. They did not have anything to do so they texted me. I'm like the guy you text and 99.9% of the time, I'm game. It was last Tuesday and I had and exam the next day. But I really didn't care. This is not me being irrespnsible. It just so happens that I'm confident about my exam for the next day. Anyway, they picked me up and we decided to eat at Gerry's in greenhills. Niggaboy then proposed that we try the beer tower. So we did. Haha. Mayonnaise was pretending to stop us but she drank anyway. We finished three liters of beer. Woohoo. We went to the KTV after because we wanted to sing. Wahahaha. I danced and Niggaboy has a video of it. Great. It was fun. I did well on my exam by the way.

The next was Wednesday when my friend G invited us to embassy. I was with the Bio peeps and it sure was fun. There were 12 of us. Everyone looked good. We started at around 1030 by going to M cafe and started drinking. It's funny when you see people getting drunk in their first drink. Haha. We headed for Embassy after and we just dranked and danced the night away. We ate at cafeteria after and we headed home. I got home at 5am so I went straight to sleep.

I woke up at 1pm and Hokhok texted about going out. So I texted Niggaboy and asked if he was going. It seemed he was. He was gonna pick me up in 10 minutes. So I rushed. Wahaha. We headed for Mayonnaise's house to pick her up. We headed for Xavier, then Ateneo, then Enderun. Waaahh... I'm envious. I wanna study in Enderun. Oh well... We headed for E-lanes after to meet with Hokhok, Damiana, and Ozne. We had a team battle and Niggaboy, Mayonnaise and I lost to them. Oh well. We headed for Dulcinea after to eat. I like the churros. Then, we played in the arcade. That was really fun. Haha. After that something funny happened with Ozne. Bwahahaha.

We were supposed to go home but it was too early. So Niggaboy, Mayonnaise and I decided to head for Moomba. We had a few drinks but I wanted more. Wahaha. Okay I think we all felt buzzed. But I was more buzzed than them. Great. I lost my wallet in the process. That sucks. We went home and I had fun. :) Can't wait for next week. Hehe.

on new friends

Is it even appropriate to still try to remedy something that you know will not really be the same? Personally, I think not. It is just like trying to glue a broken popsicle stick but when you try to use it, you realize it will just break easily. So, you decide to just get another popsicle stick that is sturdier. Yes, you might say that this analogy for friendship just sucks but I do have a point.

There's a point in time where you have to move on. It's like there's this line that connects two relationship periods and there are some people from the past period that will overlap into the next period. These people will still be your friends in addition to the new ones. I guess there's always a moving on factor anywhere. It's hard to explain. And now, I'm part of something that I know I have been a part of eversince.

The bottomline is I still love my first period friends, for lack of a better term (you know who you are) and my biology friends. I hope we're still together until Med school (wherever that will be). :)

eco field trip

Okay, so I just got back from my field trip with the other Biology majors and it really was fun. Actually, the whole thing started with the Friday night movie with Issa, Annie, Ann, and Jordan. Unfortunately, Karen could not come so there was one extra ticket. Anyway, we headed for Ann's house after that and waited for about 2 hours there and I even tried ironing my hair because I was just bangag. Then we headed for Annie's condo and I think I was able to sleep for about thirty minutes so that's just great.

We headed to school and we found out that the vans would be arriving late. Okay we were supposed to leave at 4am but ended up leaving at 6am. I rode with Gel since it was already full in the vans and we just sang our hearts out with boy band songs. This made us realize that we were actually pop by heart but still r&b/hiphop lovers all the way. Okay, before anything else I just wanna say that Manong Jun is the fastest driver I have ever known. Anyway, we got to the site after about 3-44 hours and we started looking for our cottage which was supposed to fit 20 people. We had so many food in our cottage because everyone brought food. It was like we can survive for a week in the beach.

Then, Gel made some drinks for us and we started drinking even if it was just 12pm. We had to do the transects and other required exercises before doing anything else (what's the use of the trip if we didn't do the exercises right?!). So after that, Gel and I decided to have a race and drink everything in the cooler. Ann joined us too. Woohoo. Okay, we kinda did a music video of ByeByeBye and it was just funny really. After finishing the drinks, we just continued on with the party and danced the afternoon until night away. We also had a bonfire which was fun. We won. Woohoo!

Then that night, Karen, Issa, Berto, and I decided to walk to the end of the beach (by that I mean away from the shore). It was low tide anyway so the water was not that deep. We saw so many creatures and it was scary because there were so many sea urchins. Karen was funny because he was afraid of a lot of things. So we then decided that we better get some aqua shoes to protect our feet. We went back to teh shore and we went back to the middle of the sea. We got as far as the breakwater. And we just found so many creatures.

We got back again and the four of us decided that we were not going to sleep. We were on folding beds that we layed down on the shore. So we were just there talking and trying to make ourselves awake. The deal was that if everyone sees a falling star then everyone can sleep na. I did see one and my wish came true (I passed my eco LT). Anyway since I haven't slept for almost two days I decided to sleep at around four. I woke up at 5:30 because my folding bed got destroyed. So umm... great.

We went to the mangroves after. I just want to say that it was full of garbage. Ahhh... I hated it. We went back and Iggy, Berto, Gel B., and I decided to go to the coral reef which our teacher said was about 250 metres away. We only had goggles on so it was harder. But we didn't care. We still went on. It was just amazing. I wish I could have taken pictures of it. If only I had a waterprrof camera. Next time.

We went home and we still sang boyband song in Gel's car. Okay... we are just pop people. So there, it was fun and I seriously had a blast. Actually, I like my bio batchmates. They're fun. I hope there's a batch party soon.

battle of the gods

A battle between gods
Spoils the coliseum's mighty walls
Fire and ice rain upon the people
Intent on witnessing the high and mighty
Fall on their knees
And fight to their own deaths

They are the heroes in this battle
where both will come out champions
to everyone's dismay

A battle between gods
Is no battle at all
Just a mere game they play