after months

it has been a long time since i last wrote here. words of sadness are not meant to be written because they only remind you of a time when you were stupid not to cope with life. Sadness is meant to be applied and not written. You channel it in such a way that it becomes part of your life as a mechanism to cope with life.

today, i asked myself if i was truly happy. after the things that have happened, i'm sure reflection was already in place. after the events, i'm pretty sure i've changed a lot. My goals, purpose, motivation have all changed.

am i happy? let's just say i'm in theatre.

...

I have not been doing well despite the few ups that have happened in the past few days. The downs still outnumber the ups. Somehow I feel like the happiness inside is just pretend. The crying has not stopped and there are still bouts of depression going on. I am still drinking beer alone everyday and i have started to smoke again.

As much as I want company right now, I don't think I have the time to get out of my room to mingle. The parent just came from the hospital and I couldn't even discuss it with the parent. That sucks. I'm much of a coward to deal with feelings... even if it's a parent. Have I become a robot? Have I become too detached from the realities that I try no to deal with it. I need my people.

eye of the storm

there will be a point in time when you are down and out. when all you want to do is drown in your bed under the plethora of sheets and never want to get out of it. you don't even want to get out of your room because the world outside reminds you of things you like but can't do and things that you hate but have to do.

these are the times when you need someone to get those sheets away from you, pull you out of your bed, and push you in the bathroom. then, bucket of water is poured on you so that you'll wake up from your slumber.

and right now, i'm getting it from the most unexpected people. a couple, a group of people from another country, and a friend who has twisted ideas but makes sense when it matters. thank you peeps for randomly talking to me and keeping me company during these times of shit.

this is probably the point where i would know who i could kick it with when shit happens. i'm in the eye of the storm.

i wanna sleep forever... yes forever.

searching for that greater meaning

usually, they say that family will always be there for you. you lose girlfriends, boyfriends, friend friends, bestfriends, or whatever other relationships you have, but you never lose family. family will always be there and will accept you no matter what flaws you have. but then what if family is the one that abandons you? do the rules change? does that leave you to fend for yourself like a castaway on an island?

as much as you want to tell other people about the heaviness that fills you entire body, you stop. you realize that they have no idea of where you are right now and all they can do is imagine how you feel. they don't imagine it based on experience because they can only imagine it based on what society dictates.

it's like a doctor asking a patient how he or she feels. as much as the patient explains the feeling, the doctor can never fully understand how a patient feels. the reason for this is that the doctor has never experienced what the patient currently experiences. Sure... the doctor can EMPATHIZE... but he or she will never SHARE that experience with the patient.

there will be two or three who can hit you at the back of you head to help you sort things out and you can just be thankful about it. i'm realizing how much i have missed the old world i used to be in. the world where problems were not about how your parents did not allow you to go to a vacation, how you were not able to buy a bag or a pair of shoes, how things get routinary, how another sibling gets special treatment, or maybe how certain fonts or margins on a piece of paper changes your study habits. it was about how you will be able to get by the following days, how to get over an addiction, how find a career that will sustain you, where to go since your parents decide to abandon you.

These were the things that made you want to live life more. The problems are are not about wants. The problems are about needs. but whatever world you live in, the most important thing is that you find a real meaning to why you're living your life. a meaning that when it is taken away from you, you run to look for it and scour every corner of the world because it is what gives you life.

carpe diem

There always that point where you just get tired of what people do and you just tell yourself that you aren't taking any of it. Then, somehow, you go crazy and start believing that people do change for the better. But it is only when you get disappointed again... that you start to really think about it and hope that you learn so that the cycle does not continue.

In any relationship that has been broken, may it be with parents, close friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, dogs, or whatever you have, there is always a process of detachment so you can go about with your life. A broken relationship is a break in your daily routine and you have to find a way to create a new routine where that relationship isn't included.

For the past three weeks, i have accomplished the art of not giving a damn about what other people do with their lives. I have accomplished the act of knowing who to care about. And somehow, I actually did not feel bad about the whole idea. It's just that some people don't seem to get it. People have this idea that relationships are like toys which you keep in that old chest box. You let it stay there so you can get back to it when you miss it. What people don't realize is that relationships don't involve inanimate objects. They involve things that move and evolve.

Life only lets us move forward. It does not let us travel back in time. And the only thing we can do is move forward with it and hope that we can keep as much as we can as it moves. Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary but do not be stupid.

And when it comes down to it, you realize that you have your people to move forward with.

grasp

There is a dignity in holding on to something you believe in.
Even if it does not initially give you what you hoped for,
You never stop, you never let go of it
Because it is when you let it stay with you that you find out
The reason why you were holding on to it in the first place.

jumper

it is too much.
12 years of this can get to you.
as the years progress,
little by little,
hope starts fading away.

there is fear everyday.
fear that one day, things...
will just fall apart
then... a moment comes
a moment that creates that mind-click

no one would understand
you don't tell them anyway
there's no one to tell
so you go on and smile...
because that's what people want

at times, you show some of it
but you realize they cannot be part of this
they have their own things to deal with
then you pretend to recover
not knowing that it is a 12 year sadness.

i'm just really tired of the marathon.
i told them i wanted off the track.
all they can do was look.
they didn't expect this.
i am competitive anyway...