never tell you're guilty

from anyone: acting because of guilt
ex: you are attacked. someone or anyone sees. that person turns away. the person goes back. guilt.

from friends: acting because of love
ex. you are attacked. your friend sees. that person helps. love.

friends who go to you because they're guilty aren't your friends. remember that.

a tribute to tupac shakur

2pac, i get what you were saying. Your words were powerful ones. I need to live in Thug Mansion for a while.

this line is just great...

"Practicing medicine doesn’t lend itself well to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday we’re forced to know that life… every minute is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about… is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don’t bother even making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line… to push each loss as far away as we can." - Grey's Anatomy

I agree.

apology accepted and yet...

There is a need to apologize when we accidentally do something. However, there are no such things as accidents when it comes to our life decisions.

So, I don't believe that there should be apologies. We do things for a reason. And if we apologize because we chose to do them, then that is a sign that we do not know ourselves.

Once we choose, there will be consequences. Some good. some bad. But deep inside, we wish there would be more good. But if ever that is not the case, our only option is to deal with it and continue on with life.

As much as the apology is accepted, things have already changed.

the truth is...

I'm really annoyed. It's okay to not go for the right reasons. We would have understood. But no, you just had to lie. Now, I will not go to Boracay. I don't think I can stand hanging out with you guys for a few months. I just made the birthday as an excuse. Tomorrow I will pretend everything is alright. That's how we roll. Grrr...

immortality

to be left behind is a sad prospect.

happiness comes your way
people move on to something different
you remain in your own happiness
or what used to be happiness

that is the price of immortality...

now i remember why...

got back from an out of town trip with the relatives. now i remember why i hated going to these trips.

the only fun parts were those parts where i talked with cousins while drinking, i swam and played ping pong and billiards with them, and talking to my little nephews. apart from that... never again.

just a reminder for myself in case i am asked to go to these trips again.

too many things

I told my friend, "i wanna be a chef. :|" in a joking-yet-not-joking way.

"FOLLOW YOUR HEART! Bwahaha! I just realized how medicine makes you realize how there's so much more you want to do. I mean, not necessarily in a bad way that makes you want to quit, but parang you want to have your cake and eat it too if you know what I mean. :p"

When my friend replied to me... I didn't know what to say. It has been bugging me since the end of first sem. It felt as if I really don't like what I'm doing right now. The passion isn't there.

I don't want to tell people about it because they'd just think it's one of those phases that every med student goes through. But I know it's not. It's hard to reconcile two things that are totally on different ends of the spectrum. I just need to find my passion for this.

This is the problem with wanting to achieve so many things... you become a jack of all trades and a master of nothing. But who cares... at least i'm multi-talented. beh!

sembreak jampack

1. halloween party. iea, berto and i have decided to impose BPGR.:D
2. vigan was fun. spent four days in that spanish-ish city with mis amigos. yahoo! got to eat a lot of weird food and i am missing the empanada. damnit.
3. party with ab psych peeps. got to meet new people.:D investing na 'to and expanding horizons! haha.
4. practiced for a.i. caught up with kuh-leek fuh-riends.
5. lazer tag didn't push through. next time.:D
6. shindig! saw old friends and reintroduced some friends... hahaha.
7. palarong med. 3rd place badminton. yey team.
8. chris brown concert. woohoo.

p.s. the theme for the break was 'if ayaw mo, huwag.' bwahaha. we realized that we had more fun when we didn't care if other friends didn't go or if they are not enjoying activities. as long as the core is there, fun will always be there. no drama baybeh!:)

p.p.s. all in all, this break was eventful.:) it revealed a lot about the state of certain things and certain measures were made to adjust to those changes. good job.:D

off to neverland

this must have been how peter pan felt. everyone seems to be changing... by that i mean growing up. on the other hand, i remain in my child-like life ready to face the world with pride and nonchalance.

it must have been sad for peter pan when he realized that everyone was growing up and he cannot relate to them anymore. but then again, at the end of the day, the choice of remaining to be fun and carefree must have been a good decision. yes, it is inevitable that other people will change but one can still be comforted by the idea that there will be a few who will remain the same.

im going to vigan with my two peter pan friends. they are the last remaining peter pans in the world i know... and we're now off to neverland.

monologues

"They don't yet know that the good don't always win, so there's nothing you can say to cheer them up when they lose. I want to tell them disappointment doesn't last, but from what i've seen disappointment lasts like hell." - Mitch Mahoney (Putnam County Spelling Bee)

If I read this today, it would have had much more sense to me since i finally figured out what it means.

"Bad things do happen. Happiness in the face of all... that's not the goal. Feeling horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings. That's the point." - Grey's Anatomy

So I guess this answers Mitch Mahoney's monologue.

do not set yourself up for disappointment

my friend has this mindset that you should never expect that things will go the way you plan it. he also believes that you should never get attached to the people around you. these things seem too negative and i used to be against that kind of thinking. but then now that i think about it, they are ideas that I should start imbibing.

i should not expect because i will be the one who will be disappointed when things do not happen the way i imagine them to happen. people change. and as my friend said, 'nagstastart na.' time to imbibe. woohoo!

i need to say it

you know those people who pretend they're richer than they really are? well, there's a lot of them.

you know those people who are rich yet they have this idea that it sucks to be rich? well, there are people like that.

both are equally annoying. why? 'coz both of them are trying to hide their true identity so that people would not judge them.

i say it's okay to want to be something/someone... but never forget your roots.

'wag kang feeling mayaman or feeling mahirap kasi iniinsulto mo 'yong totoong mayaman at mahirap. hindi mo alam kung ano ang tunay na nararanasan ng mga taong nasa kabilang ibayo ng buhay. alam mo, sa kagustuhan mong maging kasapi ng kabilang panig, mismong ang mga taong kapanig mo ay naaasar sayo. sipain kita e.

better left unsaid

it must not have been an easy choice. we were once innocent kids and we did not know the ways of the world.

innocence, in her irony, sheltered us from what was to come.

now we know.

we decide to live life the way we want to. we become masters of our ship and we journey while we leave innocence behind.

that is the path you chose.

so be it.

i lie to lie

in all honesty, i am living a lie.

past these walls is the land that i dream of. a place where the ideal freedom is achieved. a place where i see familiar faces. a place where problems are not really problems.

it is when i wake that i want to go back to slumber.

inside these walls is reality. a place where dreaming is just a figment of my imagination. a place where i see familiar faces. a place where problems are just that.

let the night come
as i lie down and dream
tonight i lie

some things just have to remain as is

i imagined it. we would renew those severed ties and start over again. maybe hang out and go back to what our roles used to be. blood relatives they call us and indeed we are. we would talk until the night casts its shadow upon us. i would tell you all the details in my life. every little detail since we last talked. you would be fascinated and tell me how much you have missed. you would tell me all the details in your life as well and i would scold myself for having missed so much. home. we go to our rooms and breathe. finally, things are back to normal.

i imagined it happening. i imagined it happening. i imagined it happening.

no one knows. everyone thinks i am a mystery because they don't know you. it's funny. even i don't know you. i am a mystery to myself.

untitled reflection

i'm in my room and i'm supposed to be studying for an exam tomorrow.

i end up staring in space and thinking.

thinking about a lot of things.

what i want to do with my life.

what if this whole thing was the wrong decision.

somehow, i'm not happy... i write stuff to convince myself this is the right decision.

i stare at the ceiling and think.

Focus

Second guessing your decisions is a bad sign. It shows frailty in the human mind. And right now, that's the last thing I need. Tae. Focus.

reaching for the stars

Remember the saying 'Reach for the moon because if ever you fall, you land on the stars.' Well, that's bullshit.I now agree with my friend who believes that people should never expect. If you don't expect to get anything out of something, then you wouldn't feel bad if you don't get anything. On the other hand, if you expect then you don't gat anything out of it, then you'll just feel bad.

I remember my philosophy teacher telling me that being an optimist or a pessimist will not benefit a person. We should be realists and look at what is at hand. We should not look at what might happen in th future. Hay... to be a realist kills the joys of optimism... yet it saves you from the disappointments of optimism as well.

A year later...

I was listening to the soundtrack of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. It's just weird that even if that was almost a year ago, I can still remember most of the blocking and everything else. I remember that I found out I was getting the role I wanted when I was in Bolinao trying to start my thesis and looking for corals. It was exactly one year ago, I wasn't able to go to my friend's birthday party because I was at the beach. All four of us (B, M, and O) were nervous we wouldn't get the roles. And then the text came, WE GOT IN.

Two months later, I have performed in the play that would probably be my last. It was the play that I cannot get over and it was something I wanted everyone to watch. It was a play I was proud to share to everyone. I've worked with the best possible cast for that play.

... decision period ...

A year later, which is now, I'm sitting in front of my computer. I'm currently in med school. I gave up a lot of things for this. Sometimes, I still feel the urge to perform, be in front of people and share a story to them. There's a whole different feeling when you perform. I don't want to say I regret going to med school because I don't. It's just that it's hard to accept the fact that there are things that I could be doing but I had to sacrifice them to do some other thing. Sacrificing sucks. However... NO REGRETS.